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[♪ 'I'm Fine' by Self Esteem]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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♪ I won't rein in my need

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ To be completely free... ♪

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[♪ STOPS]

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Thoroughbreds!

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Every single one.

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Primed for the race.

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Every muscle pumped, trained
and ready for the sprint.

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Hold it together. Hold back.

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Keep the blood
at just the right temperature.

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Just below boil.

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Waiting at the starting gates, then...

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'All rise!'

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– Out of the stalls. Hold back.
– [RHYTHM POUNDING, RISING]

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Push forward.

18
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Know when to have restraint,
when to find an opening.

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Ready to jump
when the prosecution falters.

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Poised.
Watching.

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Waiting.

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Nerves taut,
mind operating on ten tracks at once.

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Blood pumping. Muscles tightly wound,
waiting to spring. Waiting.

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It's starting to open up, wait. Wait.

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Careful. This is a measure
of your skill set, the calm before.

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And there it is.

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Instinct pushes me forward.
'Your Honour.'

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I am on my feet.
Eyes zooming in on me.

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'Application granted.'

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Yes! Yes!

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My client, big guy, looks, er, stunned.

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He doesn't quite know that I've won
a point, but he feels the shift, likes it.

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My client hates the witness, but for me,
the witness is just the witness.

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I sit down.
The prosecution finishes. Then it's time.

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The judge looks at me.

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'It's your witness, Ms Ensler.'

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Yes. The witness is mine!

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The witness breathes in. I stand up,
slowly, do up the button on my jacket.

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Courtroom silent, charged, waiting for me,
the thrill of this.

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Play it cool!

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Yeah? Cool!

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Voice, measured and confident.
Play it.

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Play it, it's yours. You're holding it
in the pa-a-a-a-alm of your hand.

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Play with it!
Stretch it out, it's yours.

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Cross-examination.
It's the best part. All instinct.

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Ask the question.
Repeat the answer, repeat it again.

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Watch the witness's face,
let him think I am getting mixed up,

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that I'm a bit slow
in understanding what happened.

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Flick through some pages,
let him think I have lost my way.

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Hear breathing.
A snicker from the prosecution counsel.

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Good. Good. Very good.

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Again, flick through some pages.

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My client shifts uncomfortably
in the dock. Good.

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Then I repeat the question,
watch the witness relax.

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Shoulders roll back.

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'This one doesn't seem to know
what she's doing.'

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Judge, expressionless.

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But this judge has seen me before,
seen the likes of me.

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Question one. Question two.
Look worried about the answers.

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This emboldens him.

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Watch, yes, here he goes.

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Let the witness talk, over talk.
Let him 'clarify'. Good.

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'Thanks for that, I wasn't sure...'

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See his eyes dismiss me.

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'This one must be straight out of uni
or something. She's not that good.'

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Oh, ho-ho. This... It relaxes him.
He's got the upper hand.

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He is now not careful,
not afraid, no longer vigilant.

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He says something inconsistent.

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I let him explain it to me.

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Nodding. I'm nodding,
while he digs himself in deeper.

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'OK,' I say,
'that's a bit clearer now, but...'

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He volunteers more information.

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I see the prosecutor
put a finger to his own forehead.

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He knows and I know, but the guy about
to bury himself, he talks on and on.

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I circle, nodding approval.
'Oh, I see, but why did that happen?'

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Judge's face, a mask.
But the judge knows.

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There is blood in the water,
and I let the witness swim on.

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No one can help him.
And he swims right into it.

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He leans back,
flash of confidence across his face.

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I let him feel his control.
Feel safe.

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Then, tip toe, tip toe.

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He crosses his arms as I approach.
I circle. Circle again.

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Stop, flick through some pages.

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The judge and the other lawyers,
they know what's coming.

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They know, they cringe for him.

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But they love it! They lean forward.

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The jury,
the people in the gallery, no idea.

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And him, in the witness box,
the one I'm talking to, no clue.

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Still, no fucking clue!

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'And, I'm sorry but, just to clarify,

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'I do have one more question,
I hope you don't mind,

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'it will help me get the full picture.'

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Was that an eye roll from him?

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Perfect!

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But if he was watching
the prosecution counsel,

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the guy turning his head
down to the table,

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he might know, he might sense.

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If he wasn't so sure, so cocky,
he'd feel it. Danger.

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Something is about to go down

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but no, he's in his element.

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He thinks he is the cat
and I am the mouse.

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It is perfect.

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The prosecution counsel looks up.

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I stop moving.
I stop paper shuffling.

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I look right at the witness.

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I ask my question.
A strange flicker across his face.

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He glances quickly to the prosecutor.
Prosecutor can't say anything.

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But his eyes!

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His eyes are straining, trying to say,

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'Don't. Don't. Keep your wits about you.
Don't fall into this trap.'

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And, my last circle.
Then, bang!

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– ♪ Ah-ah... ♪
– I fire four questions like bullets.

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Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

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Face, shock.
Utter annihilation.

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And the look that I get,

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dawning.

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You fucking idiot!

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You thought you had this.

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But here I am.
Watch the witness sweat.

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Silence.
People in the gallery lean forward.

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'Wow! She's good!'

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My client, the accused, is awestruck.

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My eyes are on the witness's face.

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Now for the first time,
he actually sees me.

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He is furious.

126
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'Answer the question, please, Mr Bateman.'

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Professional. The prosecutor sits
at the bar table, head down.

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It's all over now – he knows it,
I know it, the judge knows it,

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the witness is about to really know it.

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[SWEETLY] 'Your honour, the witness
is not answering the question.'

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Sweetest voice ever.

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The judge reminds Mr Bateman
that he must answer the question.

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'Answer counsel's question,
please, Mr Bateman.'

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A look of sheer hatred, at me.

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He's cornered. He is fucked.
His head is down.

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He mumbles something.
'I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.'

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Judge, 'You must speak into the microphone
for the transcript recording, Mr Bateman.'

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I smile benevolently.

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'Is it a yes then, sir?
So you agree with me then?'

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The judge has had enough, the man is
destroyed, he knows my tactics.

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'You have your answer, Ms Ensler.'
Yes!

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I do. 'Thank you, Your Honour,
I have no further questions.'

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Judge, 'Any re-examination?'

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The prosecutor stands, but no.

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No, there is no point digging his witness
in further. It's a no-brainer.

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The witness walks past me,
flashes me a look, utter confusion.

147
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What just happened?
It's not emotional for me. It's the game.

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It's the game of law.
I stand up again, completely professional.

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I submit 'there is no case to answer',
call for a dismissal.

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The judge is swift.

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It is all over now.

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The barristers' rule
is the winner can't flaunt it.

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Every winner might be the one
who loses the next day.

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We don't call it losing.
We call it 'coming second'.

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Today, the prosecutor came second.

156
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I pack up my files.
Nod thanks to counsel for the prosecution.

157
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Don't make eye contact, blah, blah, blah.

158
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Motion for my client to up and leave.

159
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Everybody watches my walk,
leather satchel across my chest.

160
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Undo my jacket button.

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Saunter.

162
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Turn at the door, nod to the judge,
gesture for my client to do the same.

163
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Outside the courtroom, he's free.
He gets to go home.

164
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His mother is weeping,
she holds my hand to her heart.

165
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I like the mothers, they know, they
understand. I tell them, 'I've got to run.

166
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'I've got another case to prepare.
I don't want to see you in here again.'

167
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My client nods, shakes my hand.

168
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Respect.

169
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Power.

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Today, I was a winner.
Today, I came first.

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♪ Ah-ah ♪

172
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Outside the court, I turn on my iPhone.

173
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I call Alice to debrief on my case.

174
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Someone else picks up. It's Jules.
He asks me how it went.

175
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'I won.'
[MIMICS] 'What's new?' he says.

176
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I throw files into a cab to the train
station. I'm laughing on the phone.

177
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,280
I hop out, the cabbie calls me back.

178
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'It's not an Uber!'
I forgot to pay. Shit!

179
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I hang up.
I feel bad, I give the driver a tip.

180
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I tell him my uncle drives a cab.
Cabbie smiles at me.

181
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Euston.

182
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Catching the train to Liverpool,
and I finally start to let it go –

183
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the adrenalin, the pace.

184
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I listen to some music.

185
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:47,840
It's a long ride to Mum's, and the gloss
of this legal life melts into my seat

186
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,560
as the train makes its way
to where I started out.

187
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I walk up the high street,
stop at the corner shop,

188
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pick up Mum's favourite drink,
a big bottle of Fanta.

189
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The guy behind the counter remembers me.

190
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,880
We talk about how his business
has slowed right down,

191
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,520
the new Tesco Express on the corner.

192
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,400
Mum is in the kitchen when I get there.

193
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,960
Little brother, 'Mick!' can't hear me,
he's playing his PlayStation.

194
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,840
Older brother, Johnny, is in bed.
'Mum?'

195
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,680
'He had a big night last night.'
Again.

196
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,200
The telly's on and the news is blaring.

197
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,800
Outrage.

198
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:26,440
Some poor family
had been paid too much benefits.

199
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:31,040
Me mum lights up a ciggie,
tells me the Fanta isn't sugar-free.

200
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,560
Fa-ail!

201
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,760
Asks me to chop the veg.

202
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:40,520
She's been cleaning offices all day,
offices like the one I work in.

203
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,800
Chop. Chop.

204
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,400
Chop.

205
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Chop.
'I won a case today.'

206
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,520
'Oh, you got more criminals
out on our streets then, did ya?'

207
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,680
No fucking point replying!

208
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,120
She goes out to her room, comes back,

209
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:02,240
hands me a hot-pink, 100% polyester shirt.

210
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,720
'I saw it on sale.
It looks like what a lawyer would wear.'

211
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,800
– It's not!
– (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

212
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,280
But this is my mum's way
of saying she is proud.

213
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,440
She is tentative, 'Do you like it?'

214
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,440
'I love it, Mum.'

215
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:21,960
I stop chopping. I put it on for her
right there in the kitchen.

216
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,280
'Your brother,
he got into a fight last night.'

217
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,960
'What? Not again!'

218
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:30,360
As I hug her, I feel her stiffen a little,
she pulls away.

219
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,760
'Mum, he should be working full time.

220
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,640
'No, paying his way,
not out at night drinking and partying.

221
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,880
'Mum, he's a fucking loser!'

222
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,360
I turn, there's Johnny, my brother,
standing right at the door.

223
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:48,200
His face is contorted.
Over his eyebrow is a dried bloody mess.

224
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,080
He erupts.
He almost spits at me.

225
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:57,040
[MIMICS] 'Fancy fucking lawyer
in your fancy fucking pink shirt, eh?'

226
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,320
Johnny lurches at me. Mum screams.

227
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,320
Micky can't hear anything
with his PlayStation on.

228
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,000
'Go on. Go on, hit me.
Show me what a big guy you are.'

229
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,080
And we are right back there.

230
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,240
He doesn't hit me, he's never hit me.

231
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:16,560
I feel bad that I've just said that.
I just... I want him to be better.

232
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,880
Not be this guy,
the one with a blood-encrusted forehead,

233
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,280
while breathing out last night's fumes
as he speaks.

234
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:27,560
This man, he... He was once my best mate.
He did everything with me.

235
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:31,440
Johnny swoops at the wall,
vegetable pieces fly everywhere.

236
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,120
I am just gonna leave.

237
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:37,880
And the last thing that I see is my mum
on the floor trying to pick them up.

238
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,480
Pieces of carrots and broccoli.
On her hands and knees.

239
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,720
First day. University law school.

240
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,080
Cambridge! Yes.

241
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:54,560
Two hundred faces,
each with three A stars at A-levels.

242
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:58,320
I mean, all of us,
on almost perfect scores.

243
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:03,720
You know, all summer, everyone
has looked at us as if we are 'something'.

244
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,600
No longer a spotty sixth former.

245
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,680
Now, someone to watch.

246
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,560
I mean, society tells us
law school means you're important.

247
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:18,680
Everyone seems to believe it, except me.
I'm still pretending.

248
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,040
We take our seats
in the induction lecture. I look around.

249
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,400
Secretly fearful
that perhaps I've fluked it,

250
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,480
that someone's gonna burst
through the door of the induction hall,

251
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,880
call out my name and say,
'There's been a terrible mistake.'

252
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,680
But I get swept up in it all.

253
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:41,000
The Dean stands, telling us,
[MIMICS] 'You are the crème de la crème!'

254
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,120
She actually said that.
I mean, we like it.

255
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,440
Top law school, top city,
top marks, top people.

256
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:48,920
We like to hear this.

257
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,120
'You will be the ones
to change the country.'

258
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,160
Then just like a lawyer, she stops.

259
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,040
'But look to the person to your left.'

260
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,280
We do. Me, I'm shy.

261
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:03,080
Guy on my left is bloody gorgeous!

262
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,320
And confident, I can tell
he is from a posh school, yeah.

263
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,480
He already knows he will be the one
to change the country.

264
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:15,520
We nod at each other,
he takes in my outfit, I wither...

265
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,280
It's obvious I'm not from where he's from.

266
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,720
[AS DEAM] 'Now look to the person
to your right.'

267
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:25,200
The girl on my right has a haircut
that screams 'private school'.

268
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:30,400
I hold back, but she gives me a warm smile
and then pulls a funny face.

269
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,640
[SNORTS] I let out a small noise
that is a laugh.

270
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:39,120
[AS DEAN] 'Look back and hear this.
One of the three of you will not make it.

271
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:43,560
'Yes. One of the three of you will fail,
make no mistake.

272
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,280
'You are all in competition
with each other.

273
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,600
'You are not friends,
you are fighting each other.

274
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,760
'The game starts now.'

275
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,320
I can't look at either of them.

276
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,920
One tick, two tick, third one gone.

277
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,600
The other two,
they think it's gonna be me.

278
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,520
Yeah. Yeah, I am the one who won't make it
because you can tell I don't belong here.

279
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:04,960
I get angry at them.

280
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,880
The girl starts typing on her phone,
an expensive phone.

281
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,600
Oh, I can tell we won't talk again, yeah.

282
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:15,040
She'll be a top lawyer
and won't remember my name. It's OK.

283
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,840
[AS DEAN] 'Out of those of you
who even make it to the bar,

284
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,320
'only one in ten of you
will get Pupillage.

285
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,000
'Only five of those might get Silk.

286
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,880
'And only one has the chance
at being a judge each decade.'

287
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,880
I look to the boy to my left.
[MIMICS HIM] 'Benedict.'

288
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,560
– Of course he's called Benedict.
– (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

289
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,360
He glances at me.
He has already dismissed me.

290
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,320
Fuck you!

291
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,600
The Dean stands, talks the law.

292
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,840
[AS DEAN] 'Never assume anyone is telling
the truth, even yourself.

293
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,600
'There is no real truth, only legal truth.

294
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,720
'Don't trust your gut instinct,
trust your legal instinct.

295
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,600
'You will get it wrong
if you think you know what will happen.

296
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,880
'You are the best of the best,

297
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:03,000
'prepare for the fight of your life
because law school is just the beginning.'

298
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:07,200
The boy on my left, Benedict,
he gets through, just as I predicted.

299
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,720
The girl on my right, Mia,

300
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,080
she drops out after first year
to go to acting school.

301
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,600
But before she goes,
Mia becomes my best friend – for life.

302
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,200
Yes!

303
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,480
Instincts can be wrong.

304
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,520
Never assume
you're telling yourself the truth.

305
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:32,000
Don't trust what you think you know.
This, this is not life, this is law.

306
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,040
Another three sentence matters
and I head back to chambers.

307
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,680
Once I'm in my room, I go through
the evidence of a big case tomorrow.

308
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:44,200
It's a complex matter,
but it's in good shape.

309
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,080
It's been a long week this one.

310
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,840
– We head to the PUB!
– [♪ DANCE MUSIC POUNDING]

311
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,080
There's a group there from law school.

312
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,840
Those from my chambers, Alice, Julian.
Adam? Oh, he never comes out.

313
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,600
All of us there.

314
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,120
Too many bottles of Prosecco and, er...

315
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,880
..four tequila shots.

316
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,720
Each.

317
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:09,480
Julian's hand lingers on my back
as he talks to me.

318
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,800
'Everyone up!' Dancing!

319
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,280
Suit jackets flung on the backs of chairs.

320
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,480
Noise. I smokes outside.

321
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,200
1 a.m. still dancing.

322
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,480
Julian's hand is on my waist.

323
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,200
He's telling me he's just won a...

324
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:29,360
a massive drug appeal, bloody incredible!

325
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,320
Said he manoeuvred his way
around the rules in the Grove appeal.

326
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,000
Ooh, I'm dancing...

327
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:37,360
I'm dancing real sexy now!

328
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,440
Let go of it all!

329
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,360
What?

330
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,640
'Criminal defence barristers, yeah.

331
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,600
'We believe in the law.
We believe in the system.'

332
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,120
Jules's eyes all over me.

333
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,160
'We believe in innocent
until proven guilty.

334
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,920
'No, no, it's not just a catchphrase.

335
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,120
'It is the bedrock
of how you keep a society civilised.'

336
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:02,160
Music has Jules up real close.
I'm liking it.

337
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,600
'Prosecutors, you work with the police.

338
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,120
'No, no, no.
You say you're fighting for justice.

339
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,680
'You, you are fighting for jail time!

340
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:14,560
'Defence is about human rights. Yes!

341
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,320
'Human rights!

342
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,440
'The right to innocence
unless there is reasonable doubt.'

343
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,920
I put my hand on Jules's waist,
move in close.

344
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:27,240
'Your liberty, your life is in our hands.'
I toss my hair.

345
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,760
'You want the best of the best, yeah?

346
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,320
'You want the smartest,
you want the most agile minds.'

347
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,600
I flick Jules's wandering hand.

348
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,880
'Hey, hey, everyone is watching!'

349
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:43,320
'Those... Those who do not pre-judge you,
who trust the system, that is us.'

350
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,760
Jules is kissing my neck, it's nice.

351
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,320
Alice gives me a look. Eye roll.

352
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:53,520
'It's our job to find holes in the case,
keep the police honest, protect society.'

353
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,000
Alice knows I won't go home with Jules.

354
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,480
I've got to be primed
for a big case tomorrow.

355
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,080
Shit!

356
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:05,040
I peel Jules off me, I order an Uber,
kiss Alice goodbye.

357
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,440
I grab my jacket
and I stumble out of the bar.

358
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,680
By 8:30 a.m., after two soy lattes...

359
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,640
– [♪ DANCE MUSIC STOPS]
– ..I'm back in chambers!

360
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,440
– (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– Woo! Julian smiles at me.

361
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,480
He's already there. I, er...

362
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:28,360
I barge into Alice's room.
She pours me a green tea.

363
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,120
Ooh!

364
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,560
Asks me what I'm working on.

365
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,320
'Um, well, a burglary for Monday,

366
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,120
'but then I've got
two sexual assaults next week.'

367
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,400
'Mm, tough,' she says.

368
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,640
'I'll get them off.

369
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,800
'One of them has PTSD from Afghanistan,
so I'll milk that if he goes down,

370
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,080
'make sure he's not potted.'
Sent away.

371
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,600
'You're doing a lot
of sex assault at the moment.'

372
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:55,360
'It's the cab rank rule.' She nods.
'I don't choose them, they choose me.'

373
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,600
If your court diary is free and you get a
brief for anything in your field of law –

374
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,960
for me, criminal law –
you have to say yes.

375
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,760
It's like at the airport. Cabbies can't
pick and choose what ride they want.

376
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,400
They get what they get.
It's the cab rank rule.

377
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:13,760
'You don't think they're using you because
you're a woman and it looks better?'

378
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,760
'So what? Cab rank is cab rank.'

379
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:19,800
'I just... I think barristers tend
to hide behind the rule, is all.'

380
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,200
'No, we play by the rules.'

381
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:27,400
Alice, she came second in her last
four hearings, yeah? Not good!

382
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,720
I tell her I can flick her some
small matters this week. I'm overbooked.

383
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:34,080
She nods.
She's pretty anxious about work.

384
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,240
I wouldn't like to be her.
You know the barristers' catchphrase?

385
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:40,400
'You're only ever as good
as your last brief.'

386
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,520
Adam and Jules call me in.

387
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,560
'Need to pick your brain
on a complex matter.'

388
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,760
Ah! I haven't lost a case in months.

389
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,760
I mean, it feels good.

390
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:55,760
Adam and I, we go down
to the local Pret for lunch.

391
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,280
We're in the queue
with the corporate lawyers.

392
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:03,240
Oh. Solicitors who specialise
in company law.

393
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,360
Italian suits, nice.
Like, really nice ties.

394
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,480
Women in silk shirts,
group of five of them.

395
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,960
They are a different breed. They're all...

396
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,920
They're all corporate contracts.
[SNORTS] Yawn!

397
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,000
You know,
they think barristers are arrogant.

398
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,160
Yeah, well, I mean, maybe we are a bit.

399
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

400
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:28,600
Adam is talking about a law graduate
who wants to come and work with him.

401
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,680
We laugh about the previous pupils
we've had in chambers.

402
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:36,400
I tell him about Sophie. 'Young, new to
criminal law.' He vaguely remembers her.

403
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,680
I'm supervising her
in a client conference.

404
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,240
The client says
he wants to plead not guilty,

405
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:44,040
and she says to him,
no, I swear to you, she says,

406
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,400
'But tell me the truth, did you do it?'

407
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,520
Adam shakes his head.
So I jump in, you know.

408
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,960
'Hold everything, Sophie.'
Take her to one side.

409
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:54,840
'What the fuck are you doing?'
She's all, 'What? What?'

410
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,600
I'm telling her,
'He's pleading not guilty.

411
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:01,640
'What if he now tells you he did it?
It limits what you can say in court?'

412
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:06,400
She's goes, 'So?' No idea!
Adam jokingly slaps his forehead.

413
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,880
'You're walking
an ethical tightrope, Sophie.

414
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,760
'You don't get to ask him if he did it.
You take his instructions and that is it.

415
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,200
'If he has a case, you run it.
End of story.

416
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,840
'You don't play God!
You don't decide or judge.'

417
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,680
Adam is laughing now. She said to me...
No, I swear this is word for word.

418
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,840
'But what if he did it?
Would I still have to defend him?'

419
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,200
Adam bites into his sandwich.
'Did she apologise?'

420
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,720
'Are you kidding?
She left, and she never came back.'

421
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,080
[LAUGHING] We both laugh.

422
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,720
Adam and I, we got voted

423
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:41,600
the best criminal senior/junior
defence barristers in chambers.

424
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,920
Well, I mean, I have to admit,
Adam is the best.

425
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,800
Everyone knows it.
He's a nice guy, too. Smart.

426
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,960
And Adam cross-examines so politely.

427
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,040
I mean, when he cross-examines
a sexual assault victim,

428
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:58,760
an alleged victim, he gently moves them
into thinking he is on their side.

429
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:03,000
He never goes in for the kill,
he just lulls them with sympathy

430
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,360
and then analyses their answers.

431
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,360
His view is there is no need
to cause pain.

432
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,720
They're usually so uncorroborated,
and the law is the law.

433
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,960
If there is any doubt,
then it's about uncovering it.

434
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:19,320
It's helpful for me to talk to Adam.
I mean, it makes me a better lawyer.

435
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,240
Stand outside it, don't take sides.

436
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,040
Test the law. Test it. Test it.

437
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,400
And if the story has holes,
then point them out.

438
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:32,320
Because it's not just your case,
it's the law that is at stake.

439
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,120
And the law,
it is there to protect everyone.

440
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,040
It's to protect those who accuse,
protect those who are accused,

441
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:42,400
protect the police that don't cut corners,
so the police that do are exposed.

442
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,920
We can't just pre-judge someone.

443
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,680
OK, OK, if a few guilty people get off,

444
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,960
it's because the job was not done well
enough by the prosecution and the police.

445
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,440
Due process, it's everything.

446
00:23:54,560 --> 00:24:00,000
But there is always that question
every dinner party.

447
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:04,800
'How do you act for someone
who you know did it?'

448
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,200
But a lawyer's job is not that grand.

449
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:12,640
Mm-mm, no, the job is not to know,
it's to not know.

450
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,080
The only way the system works
is because we all play our roles.

451
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,800
My role is defence.
The prosecutor prosecutes.

452
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:26,360
We each tell a story and the jury decide
which story is the one they believe.

453
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,760
They take the responsibility.

454
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,480
A good lawyer just tells
the best version of their client's story.

455
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:37,840
Nothing more. Nothing else.
Just a storyteller, a voice piece.

456
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,520
Never judge, never ever judge.
Never decide!

457
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,560
The minute you do that, you are fucked!

458
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,800
You've lost. Well, you are lost.

459
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,760
Julian and I, we burn the midnight oil
night after night.

460
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,360
We are both booked out for weeks.

461
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,280
Adam, he seems to somehow go home
and work from there.

462
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:02,320
Adam, he has a kid now.
I mean, I don't know how he does it.

463
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,320
He might just be
the cleverest person I know.

464
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:10,040
He can recite whole sections
of the Criminal Justice Act.

465
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,320
He's a fre-eak!

466
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:17,080
But I like that he sees me as an equal,
a brain to trust.

467
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,440
Julian comes in,

468
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,200
asks me about his GBH case.

469
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,120
It's tricky.
It looks bad for his client.

470
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,320
Should he plead it out
and get a lesser sentence?

471
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,720
We head to his room,
so he can pour us each a vodka.

472
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:37,440
If his client pleads, he'll definitely
do a few years, he has a past.

473
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:42,040
But a guilty plea gives him a discount
on the time he will serve.

474
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:46,000
On the other hand, there's a strong chance
the facts don't work for the police.

475
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,240
It's a hard decision.

476
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,520
I spot something.

477
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:56,120
Looks like some of the officers
fixed something to make it look better.

478
00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:00,360
It is a fundamental mistake.
We laugh. [CHUCKLES]

479
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,240
[CLOCK TICKING]

480
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,920
Jules's eyes are on me.

481
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,360
Moves in close.

482
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,040
Too much vodka... Woops!

483
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,400
I find myself kissing Jules.

484
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,320
He... He is more gentle
than I thought he would be.

485
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,160
Boyish, sheepish, Jules!
Who would have thought it?

486
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,400
He... He is not a look
I would usually find attractive.

487
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:31,600
He's all, er...
He's all clean and well pampered.

488
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:36,160
He smells of expensive aftershave,
son of a QC,

489
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,840
but right now, he is exactly what I want.

490
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:43,760
We fuck on the corner sofa in his office.

491
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:49,040
We laugh about the cliché we are.
'Barristers doing it in chambers!'

492
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:55,320
He nuzzles up close to me afterwards,
says he was sure I would have a boyfriend.

493
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,920
It's sweet.
How did I become that girl?

494
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,160
I tell him things
I don't usually talk about,

495
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,400
and he listens!

496
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,680
About my family, my life, losing my dad.

497
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,320
He's surprised.

498
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:13,840
Says he always thought I was another
private school girl. I laugh. 'Watch this!

499
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,640
[AFFECTED ACCENT] 'I can do private school
girl better than private school girls.'

500
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,280
He's not sure how to take this.

501
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,880
Am I mocking him and his people?

502
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,840
He snores slightly as he falls asleep.

503
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,360
I, er...

504
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,720
Well, I read a case.

505
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,800
I wake him at 4:00.

506
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,800
I tell him I need to get back and...
I've got to feed my cat.

507
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:44,520
We dress.

508
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,080
I order an Uber.
He gets in the car with me.

509
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,000
'Er... You're coming?'

510
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:54,560
[MIMICS JULES] 'Or I could...
I could not, if you'd prefer?'

511
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,080
'Er, well, I need to sleep.'

512
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,600
Jules is nervous.

513
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,600
'Could we...
Could we do something this week?'

514
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,920
Jules is nervous!

515
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,240
'Or we don't...
We don't have to if you feel...

516
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,760
'if you feel weird.'

517
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:17,080
I do feel weird. Our rooms
are on the same floor in chambers.

518
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:21,320
It is Julian.
[GASPS] I do want to see him again.

519
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:26,200
Cross-examining police officers
can be kind of...

520
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,160
fun?

521
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:32,040
I know, I know.
Sounds bad, right? But some of them...

522
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:35,000
Some of them
can be so friggin' self-righteous.

523
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:39,400
Show me an officer who hasn't run
their story past their partner,

524
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,840
trying to close the gaps.

525
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:45,640
If you try to play God in this system,
you are damned,

526
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,120
but the police, they forget.

527
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,720
They think they are the system.

528
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:55,240
So, the trick is to get under their skin.

529
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,520
If you aggravate them,
they get defensive and they make mistakes,

530
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:04,320
and you can discredit
anything they have said before.

531
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,480
Just last week,

532
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,640
Snaresbrook Crown Court.

533
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:15,840
'I suggest you are a man
who is quick to anger, Constable.'

534
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,120
[MIMICS OFFICER] 'No,
and it's not Constable, it's Sergeant.'

535
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,960
[SELF] 'I suggest you are a man who is
likely to make mistakes, Constable.'

536
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,520
[MIMICS] 'No, and it's Sergeant.'

537
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,840
[SELF] 'But you have made some
inconsistent statements in court today,

538
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,920
'haven't you, Constable...
Oh, I am sorry, Sergeant?'

539
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,280
[MIMICS] 'I made a simple mistake.'

540
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:40,640
[SELF] 'But you did read
your partner's statement

541
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,760
'before you wrote your own,
didn't you, Sergeant?'

542
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:47,760
[MIMICS] 'I don't know.'
[SELF] 'I suggest that you do know, sir?'

543
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:49,320
[MIMICS] 'Yes.'

544
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:53,040
[SELF] 'Ah! Well, that's interesting!

545
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:59,760
'Because your partner has said the exact
opposite here in court today, Constable.'

546
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,120
[SHOUTS ANGRILY] 'It's Sergeant!'

547
00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:04,360
[SELF] 'Oh, I am sorry.

548
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,840
'I didn't mean to make you angry, sir.

549
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:12,480
'Thank you so much for your frank answers
and for assisting the court today.'

550
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,640
Judge, 'Ms Ensler!'

551
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:17,440
[SELF] 'Thank you, Your Honour,
I have no further questions.'

552
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:21,040
But cross-examination
in a sexual assault case,

553
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:23,280
it is a completely different thing.

554
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:26,800
In sexual assault cases, it's usually
just one person's word against the other.

555
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:31,000
Yes, the sex act happened,
but was it consensual or not?

556
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,680
The story, it has to make legal truth.

557
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,520
The defence doesn't have to prove
she did consent.

558
00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:42,040
You just have to point out
he did not know there was no consent.

559
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,480
Was it reasonable
for him to think it was OK?

560
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:49,480
I feel for the alleged victim,
the complainant, I really do.

561
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:52,080
I can tell they're scared
of what I might ask them.

562
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,320
Some of the male barristers,
they still use this tone,

563
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,600
'Make them look like liars,
doubt themselves.'

564
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,760
I am clear and concise, nothing more.

565
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,720
A complainant doesn't realise it, but they
are actually lucky it's me doing this –

566
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,920
testing the case, without destroying them.

567
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,000
And yet, sometimes...

568
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,040
I remember this one case.

569
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:23,440
No screen in court.
Her choice.

570
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,640
This woman, she looked at me
square in the face and she said,

571
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,600
'I'm not getting anything out of this,
I don't want to be here.

572
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,920
'I'm just doing this
to protect other women from this man.'

573
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:39,480
Jenna.
It shook me and I admired her.

574
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,240
It is just...
I am trained to think differently.

575
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:44,000
Jenna lost.

576
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:47,680
She was so composed throughout
all her evidence, but afterwards,

577
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,240
I saw her fold in two.

578
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,280
What if he did it?

579
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:54,880
I got him off. Shit!

580
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,280
I can't think like that. The prosecutor
should have done a better job.

581
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,240
My job is just to point out holes
in the Crown's story.

582
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:06,200
Because, you know, I mean, we all think
we know the absolute truth of our lives,

583
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:10,480
but how many times have we sworn
the dress we wore to a party was red,

584
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,840
and then seen a photo of a blue dress?

585
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:15,880
Swore we put our keys here,
but left them there? People are fallible.

586
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,080
And their word, it has to be tested,

587
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,560
especially if someone's
freedom is at stake.

588
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,760
Did he intend to cause harm?

589
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:28,400
Her word against his – I test her word,
her version of the story in court.

590
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:30,440
Test it, test it.

591
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,560
And it's the jury
who take the responsibility.

592
00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,040
I don't make the decision.
Not me.

593
00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:39,520
'I'm sorry, Jenna,
but I need to ask you a few questions.

594
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,280
'You said you removed
your clothing yourself, is that right?

595
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,640
'We know that you had been drinking
that night at a club.

596
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:51,240
'But would you agree with me that you had
three glasses of gin and tonic,

597
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:56,320
'two vodka limes,
and two or three glasses of wine?

598
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,360
'And would I be correct to assume

599
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,560
'that these were all
at least standard bar sizes?

600
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:05,680
'And then you invited my client
back to your home,

601
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:08,240
'were you both consumed more alcohol?

602
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:10,720
'You agree you both drank vodka?

603
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:14,640
'And is it possible
that you were intoxicated?

604
00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:17,640
'And while you were intoxicated,

605
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:23,200
'you agree that the events of that evening
were a bit blurry, as you stated?

606
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:29,240
'So, when you took off your clothing,
you were not saying no, were you?

607
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:33,440
'And if, in your mind,
you had perhaps reconsidered,

608
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,160
'you didn't manage to say this
at any stage?

609
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:41,840
'And I suggest to you that it wasn't until
your sister asked about the evening

610
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:45,680
'a few nights later
that you first indicated

611
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,480
'it might be sexual assault?

612
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,960
'Thank you so much.

613
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:53,800
'I am sorry if I've caused you
any distress.

614
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:56,840
'You understand my role is
to ask questions

615
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,600
'that can shed some light on the evening.'

616
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:01,760
She hates me.

617
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,920
Call Mia in a different time zone.

618
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,880
Oh! She's in Australia.

619
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,200
She's doing some...
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] ..acting gig.

620
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,480
Ooh, I miss her.
I mean, we talk about everything.

621
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:16,840
A long, long call.

622
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:20,840
I'm on my balcony in my dressing gown
with a cigarette.

623
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:25,280
I tell her everything about Jules.
She laughs.

624
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:30,160
She asks more questions.
Mia says she thinks I'm falling for him.

625
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:33,320
[SQUEALS] Maybe she's right.
No! Maybe.

626
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,240
Tessa and Julian. Julian and Tess.

627
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:37,800
Oh, stop!

628
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:43,160
I told Alice the next day,
'Well, we might have been flirting a bit.'

629
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,560
She said she could see it
heading that way, mm.

630
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:51,240
Told me to enjoy it, said he's a great
guy, that I look really happy.

631
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:55,920
I never told Adam, I'm not sure why.
Maybe because it's a chambers thing.

632
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,800
Also, him and Jules are really good mates.

633
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:02,720
Or did I not want Adam to think of me
as Julian's girlfriend?

634
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:05,120
I'm not sure.

635
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:07,360
Still not sure.

636
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:12,040
Alice and I, we go shopping, have lunch.
I buy a dress. I wear it that night.

637
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,600
But before I leave,
I prep my brief for Monday.

638
00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:18,720
I pack my horsehair wig
into my barrister's bag,

639
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,920
robes folded in there, too.

640
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,840
I run into a QC in the square outside.

641
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,880
He says he was very impressed
with the work I've been doing.

642
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,080
It feels great. What a compliment!

643
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:33,720
He asks if I'm interested in a tenancy
that's become available in his chambers.

644
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,040
It's a prestigious chambers
with top-level silks.

645
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:40,040
I'm speechless.
It's a huge honour.

646
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,920
He suggests I come by
and grab coffee with him.

647
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:46,560
I...
I dare to nod. [NERVOUS LAUGH]

648
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:50,880
I am not sure I could ever justify
the cost of the new chambers.

649
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:55,200
But, I mean, it gets me thinking,
you know...

650
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:57,360
I mean if things with Julian go well,

651
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,960
maybe moving eventually
might be a good idea.

652
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,160
You can't be a couple
in the same chambers.

653
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,080
Stop.

654
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:09,800
Julian meets me at the Japanese place
on the corner.

655
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:13,680
We talk about work,

656
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:14,880
life,

657
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,800
books, everything.

658
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:20,320
We pour saké for each other.

659
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:24,760
There are a few people we know
at the other end of the restaurant.

660
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:28,680
We giggle as we duck our heads.
[CHUCKLES] We leave.

661
00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:33,720
'Shall we...
Shall we get some wine?

662
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:37,840
'Get some gelato
from the posh place up the road?'

663
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,040
We Uber it to mine.

664
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,160
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

665
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:47,360
Kissing in the back.

666
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,200
Slowly.

667
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,160
Warm.

668
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:53,800
When we get to my place, he...

669
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,120
He, er...
He pours us some wine.

670
00:36:57,240 --> 00:36:59,880
'I'll get the...
I'll get the sound system happening.

671
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,200
'Fuck!

672
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:02,640
'Alexa!

673
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:04,160
'Play...

674
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,160
'Play something like, er...

675
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,200
'Coldplay.'

676
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,360
Because I know he's a fan.

677
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,880
– [♪ SOFT MUSIC]
– We both grab a spoon,

678
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,000
dig into the gelato box together,

679
00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:17,880
feeding each other.

680
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:20,640
The wine is a nice red, smooth,

681
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,040
mixed with the cool gelato,

682
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:26,640
and we kiss
in icy bliss.

683
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,240
And talk.

684
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:34,680
We talk about past relationships.

685
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:37,160
Well, mine are not that many, but...

686
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:40,680
Oh! He has a few.

687
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,000
We drink.

688
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:47,520
He's telling me he's been doing
pro bono work in a legal centre.

689
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,680
I love that!
I swoon a bit.

690
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,800
We talk about his family.

691
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:57,440
His dad is a top barrister
and his mum is a physiotherapist.

692
00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:59,240
Of course.

693
00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,680
We kiss.

694
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,360
I feel dizzy.

695
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:08,040
I'm not sure if it's the kiss or the wine.
I take off my dress.

696
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,280
Julian takes off his shirt
and cups my breasts.

697
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:15,440
Somehow, my bra is also gone.

698
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:18,600
It's hot and sexy.

699
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:23,600
We move to my room, head to the bed,
seem to fall into having sex.

700
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:27,680
It's nice, smooth,
different from the time in chambers.

701
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,320
We doze off.
I'm not sure for how long.

702
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,040
Later that night, kissing and touching.

703
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:38,240
I close my eyes.
We are in sync. It's nice.

704
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,400
Until I get this...

705
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:43,600
this overwhelming desire to, er...

706
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:46,120
..to vomit!

707
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:50,320
I push him off me.
I rush to the loo, just make it.

708
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:56,200
Vomiting my guts out.
I feel everything hideous.

709
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:57,840
Vomiting.

710
00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,640
The dank smell of the toilet bowl.

711
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:02,400
[RETCHING]

712
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,200
Am I naked?

713
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:10,400
Squatting on the floor,
and Julian is in my bed hearing me vomit.

714
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,360
[MIMICS JULIAN] 'Are you OK?'

715
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,320
[RETCHING]

716
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:17,400
[SELF] 'Yeah, I'm fine, it's just the...

717
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:21,400
'It's just the red wine mixed with...
[RETCHES]

718
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,880
'..with the ice cream.'

719
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:31,120
– [DEEP RUMBLING RISING]
– I feel crap. I can't move.

720
00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:33,440
I must have been there for a while.

721
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:38,280
I feel Julian lift me,
carrying me carefully back to the bed.

722
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,800
I keep my face away.
I must smell dreadful.

723
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:45,440
He whispers in my ear, 'Are you OK?'

724
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,480
'Yeah. Yeah, I'm just a bit...'

725
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,800
[RETCHES]

726
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,880
I fall partly asleep.

727
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:56,160
And then Julian's face is kissing mine.

728
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,160
I try to move.

729
00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:01,680
'I need to brush my teeth.'
I can't kiss like this.

730
00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:04,360
I still feel ill, dizzy, drunk.

731
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:07,440
I laugh, 'I feel gross!'

732
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,680
[LAUGHING, MUSIC FADES]

733
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:14,040
He tells me I am beautiful,
keeps kissing me.

734
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,920
I move my face.

735
00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:18,840
His hands are all over me. I feel...

736
00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,640
I feel sick still.

737
00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:25,880
And then somewhere from the corners
of my mind, I hear him say,

738
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:29,480
'Just lay there
and let me make love to you.'

739
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:31,520
I squirm again.

740
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,120
I feel his hands
and legs pushing against me.

741
00:40:35,240 --> 00:40:37,640
Suddenly, I am very awake.

742
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:43,120
He is on top of me,
but his hand is over my face.

743
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:46,840
'Hang on. This is all too...
No.'

744
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,680
I can't breathe.

745
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:51,360
'Stop. I need to brush my teeth, Julian.

746
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,160
'Julian!'
I tried to push him with my hands,

747
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,520
but he takes my hands
and I can't move, and...

748
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:00,520
and...

749
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,120
He's inside of me.

750
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:10,400
It's rough and painful and it...
it hurts something horrible.

751
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:13,320
I feel myself leave my body.

752
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:15,360
This is not happening.

753
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,880
No. No. Not happening. I should...

754
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:23,520
[GASPING] I should find a way
to want this, yeah,

755
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:27,000
yeah, or... or scream,
but I can't... I can't scream.

756
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:31,480
His hand is over my mouth.
I feel such panic.

757
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,400
I struggle to get out from under him.

758
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:37,240
It goes on and on.

759
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:40,280
I try to... to bite his hand.

760
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:42,800
I writhe around and I try to kick him.

761
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,200
I can't breathe properly. He...

762
00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:50,080
He is in a different place.
I am not there with him.

763
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:55,680
He doesn't seem to know.
He does not seem to care. Or is he...

764
00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:00,160
Is he a completely different person?

765
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:04,440
How can he not know? How can he not know?

766
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,080
I feel a searing pain inside of me.

767
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:10,080
I want to vomit again.
There is no way out.

768
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:13,000
His hand is gone...

769
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:22,880
[WHIMPERS]

770
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,280
But I am not speaking.

771
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:30,560
Eyes on the ceiling
and there is just this...

772
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,760
..this strange denial.

773
00:42:34,880 --> 00:42:37,880
Julian slumped on top of me.

774
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:40,840
I am there, but I am not.

775
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:45,400
Julian snores.

776
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:49,600
I cry silently. I...

777
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:52,760
I struggle out of bed, I...

778
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:58,120
I stagger to the loo, naked, and I vomit.

779
00:42:58,240 --> 00:43:03,400
And I vomit and I vomit,
and I brush my teeth. I...

780
00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:05,920
I scrub my body.
Skin red.

781
00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:09,720
I... I sit in the shower, thinking.
Just...

782
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,720
Just trying hard to, er...

783
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:14,920
to think the...

784
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,680
'The restaurant bill indicates

785
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,760
'there was a lot of saké
drunk by the both of you.'

786
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:24,520
– [DISTANT POUNDING RHYTHM]
– 'Witnesses saw you laughing, yes?'

787
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:28,000
'You said you removed
your clothing yourself, is that right?'

788
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:33,280
'There are two empty red wine bottles
at your house, wouldn't you agree?'

789
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:36,960
'You told people
you were hooking up with him.'

790
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:39,080
'Had you slept with the defendant before?'

791
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:42,840
'Did you invite him to your home,
to your bed?'

792
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:44,280
I...

793
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:50,160
I sit in the shower. What do I do now?
Should I call someone?

794
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:54,640
I... I get out of the shower,
skin red from the heat.

795
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:57,840
I... I dress in clothes
that I have in the spare room.

796
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,760
Summer clothes,
because I am not going back in there.

797
00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:03,200
I... I clean up the living room,

798
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:05,720
even though I know
I... I should leave it in case.

799
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:08,080
Just in case I wanna...

800
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:12,040
I want to hit rewind and... what?
He's in my bed.

801
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:16,440
I see me, I see my life,
the one I have built, my career.

802
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:19,240
My career. What do I do now?

803
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,480
Because, here I am. What do I do now?

804
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:27,440
Let him take everything away from me?
Become a witness in my own courtroom?

805
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:30,560
With Jules, Julian,
and all his dad's contacts.

806
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:34,080
Running his defence by Adam,
brilliant Adam.

807
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:35,840
Calling witnesses.

808
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,960
Mia, Alice, Uber driver,
waiter at the restaurant.

809
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:43,240
People who saw us laughing, gelato server,
off-licence guy.

810
00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:45,480
No. Nope.

811
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:49,160
This is the legal truth,
this is how the law tries to understand.

812
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:51,080
No. No.

813
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,440
[VOICE BREAKING] I can't do it.
I don't know what to do. I...

814
00:44:56,240 --> 00:45:00,200
I leave my own place.
I'm not sure why, where to go...

815
00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:02,880
– [RAIN FALLS]
– I wander down the street.

816
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:06,240
Freezing in a skirt and sandals.

817
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:10,240
I walk for three hours
until I cannot walk any more.

818
00:45:10,360 --> 00:45:13,280
I... I come to a cab rank.

819
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,520
I get in the first taxi.

820
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:18,720
I want to get to Euston station,
catch the train to my mum's.

821
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:22,160
'Sorry, love, I'm only doing
airport rides this morning.'

822
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:25,440
'What?' 'Love, I haven't waited an hour
for that lousy ride.'

823
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,280
'Well, guess what, mate?
You don't get to choose.'

824
00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:31,320
'It's my taxi!'
'You... You're at a cab rank.

825
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:34,480
'You go where the ride goes,
that is the rule.' 'Not this time.'

826
00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:37,920
'You can get suspended for breaking
the rule so if you don't take me,

827
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:41,360
'I will report you
and I will make sure that you go down.'

828
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:44,480
'I want you to open the door
and get out of my cab.' 'No.'

829
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:47,920
'If you don't get out, I'm gonna call
the police.' 'That's not fair.'

830
00:45:48,720 --> 00:45:52,480
The guy turns around.
I see his face take me in, it changes.

831
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:55,040
'It is not fair!'

832
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:01,240
All I can think of is my mum and...

833
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:05,960
I just want to be home with her.

834
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:11,520
I want to wrap myself up against her
on the old floral sofa.

835
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:14,960
I want to feel the rough heat of her.

836
00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:21,720
The cabbie hands me a tissue.
How much time passes? Blow my nose. I...

837
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:28,320
I see his eyes in the rear-view mirror,
kind eyes now.

838
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:32,600
'I don't know where to go.'

839
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:35,800
The cabbie waits.

840
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,360
I look at the car clock.

841
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:42,960
6:09 a.m.

842
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:49,480
Legal instinct tells me
this is a losing case, but I...

843
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,040
I ask the cabbie.

844
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:59,880
'Can you take me
to the nearest police station, please?'

845
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,000
[POUNDING STOPS]

846
00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:06,520
[♪ SOFT, MELANCHOLIC MELODY]

847
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:21,040
♪ When you've just woke up in the morning

848
00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:28,640
♪ And the sunlight finds your face

849
00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:36,600
♪ I will always love you like that

850
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:47,520
♪ When the make-up leaves no trace... ♪

851
00:47:56,720 --> 00:47:58,320
[♪ STOPS]

852
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,760
[♪ RISING TENSION]

853
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:31,120
[♪ MELANCHOLIC MELODY,
RISING TENSION]

854
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:23,240
[♪ STOPS]

855
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:25,880
This is me.

856
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:28,880
Outside, looking in. Watching myself.

857
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:32,200
Moving through the doors.
Sound of my heels on the floor.

858
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,440
Inner London Crown Court.

859
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:37,680
This is me, moving through
the security system.

860
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:40,760
Detached. Objective.
This is me, bag on the belt.

861
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:43,640
This time, no lawyer's ID, no easy pass.

862
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:45,440
Just me.

863
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:47,840
Moving through the metal detector.
Alarm rings.

864
00:49:47,960 --> 00:49:50,640
– [ALARM BLARING]
– I take off my shoes, back through again.

865
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:54,720
This is me being swiped
by the handheld metal detector.

866
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:57,720
This time, I'm... I'm over there.

867
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,800
I see black robes swishing.

868
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,720
Horsehair wigs leaning in
toward each other.

869
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:06,200
Paper, folders, confident chatter.
Did one of them see me?

870
00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:08,280
Oh, God. Head down.

871
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:11,200
This is me,
picking up my bag and mobile,

872
00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:13,880
walking to the lift
with the witness support service.

873
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:18,040
This is me, Tessa Ensler.
This time, no barrister's wig, no robe.

874
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:22,120
This is what it feels like.
Same court, no armour.

875
00:50:22,240 --> 00:50:25,520
This is me,
digging my nails into my wrists.

876
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:29,560
This is me,
walking into the lift, look at the floor.

877
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:32,880
Doors shut. Ding.
Barristers, solicitors, police.

878
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,760
Exit, enter, exit, ding. Level two.

879
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:39,680
This is me walking out of the lift.
Find the meeting room.

880
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:44,520
This is me,
in a small windowless room.

881
00:50:44,640 --> 00:50:48,840
White plastic table.
Green chair. Waiting. Waiting.

882
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:53,160
I've been waiting for 782 days,

883
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:55,800
and now today is the day.

884
00:50:55,920 --> 00:51:00,520
Three years at university, one year
at bar school and seven years of practice.

885
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,440
I have always believed and now...

886
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,960
Now, I need to know
that I was not mistaken,

887
00:51:06,080 --> 00:51:10,600
that I can still believe in you,
can trust, can still hold on to you.

888
00:51:10,720 --> 00:51:16,520
Believe that you will show me
that before the law, there is justice.

889
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,760
But I am here
and you look so different from this end,

890
00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:22,920
from this seat in this windowless room.

891
00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:25,520
The prosecutor, Richard,
he comes into the room.

892
00:51:25,640 --> 00:51:30,120
Richard Lawson. I'm lucky he is
well respected, he knows the law.

893
00:51:30,240 --> 00:51:32,960
And here we are, Inner London Crown Court,

894
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:37,400
Richard in his silk robes and wig,
ready to run the case.

895
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:39,960
After all those adjournments.
Paperwork.

896
00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:44,240
Yeah. Me, thinking, frustrated,
just weighed down by it.

897
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:50,080
Today is 782 days since the first day
at the police station.

898
00:51:50,200 --> 00:51:53,240
– [THUD]
– The officer was a big guy.

899
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,240
Posters of missing people.

900
00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:59,280
One of a sad-looking woman
with bruises on her face.

901
00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:01,360
'This is not love.'

902
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:05,440
A sticker,
'Be a Hero. Stop Crime Before it Happens.'

903
00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:08,360
Not stuck straight.
Someone... Someone's tried to deface it,

904
00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:12,760
but it looks like the pen didn't work
properly on the shiny sticker.

905
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:15,720
I was led into an interview room.

906
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:20,160
I've only ever seen video footage
of rooms like this one –

907
00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:25,280
watching my client's interrogation
with my feet up on the desk in chambers.

908
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:29,840
All my sass and outrage
at the tricks the police play.

909
00:52:30,960 --> 00:52:33,560
It's different when you're in here.

910
00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:36,520
I'm cold, shivering.

911
00:52:36,640 --> 00:52:38,800
Skirt, top, sandals.

912
00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:40,920
Dressed from the spare room.

913
00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:42,760
I want to ask for a woman, I need to,

914
00:52:42,880 --> 00:52:45,120
but I don't want to get
the big officer offside.

915
00:52:45,240 --> 00:52:46,840
He must've read my mind.

916
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:50,880
He's telling me I can come back
when the sexual assault unit is on,

917
00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:56,760
or a woman on duty, but I just...
I want to get it over with.

918
00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:59,560
He puts his coffee on the table,

919
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:01,920
scratches around.

920
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:04,440
Then the questions start.

921
00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:07,280
'Er, yes.'

922
00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:10,120
'Er... Tessa Jane Ensler. No.'

923
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:12,120
'No, thank you. Yes.'

924
00:53:12,240 --> 00:53:14,960
'Yes. I recognise I'm being recorded,
yes.'

925
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:19,120
'I... I wanted to report...

926
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:24,280
'Because I think... Because I was...

927
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:29,360
'Something happened to me. I was just...

928
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:33,720
'Last night, this morning, I...

929
00:53:33,840 --> 00:53:36,840
'I... I was sexually assaulted.

930
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:39,320
'And I wanted to, er...'

931
00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:41,880
'Yes. Yes, he is known to me.'

932
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,800
'Julian Brookes.'

933
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:48,400
'No. No, we work together.
I don't know about... about five years.'

934
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:51,440
'A relationship?

935
00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:54,360
'Sort of. No. No, well, I mean... No.

936
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:57,520
'Last night, it wasn't the first time
that we'd been together.

937
00:53:57,640 --> 00:54:01,200
'We weren't...
We hadn't defined anything, so...

938
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:05,000
'So, no. No. No, not a 'relationship'. No.

939
00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:10,040
'Last week, we had... We had sex.'

940
00:54:11,240 --> 00:54:13,840
'No. No, well, it was at work.'

941
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:17,000
'No. No, no, no, it was after hours.

942
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:19,760
'His office. It just...
It sort of happened like that.'

943
00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:22,720
'Yes, I consented. That time.'

944
00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:25,920
Silence as he takes this down.
Then he asks.

945
00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:28,960
This is where I have to describe the rape.

946
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:33,200
I don't want to be a victim, damaged.
No. No. I want to be a survivor, but...

947
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:35,280
'Where was this hand?'

948
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:37,160
'Your leg? His arm?'

949
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:39,960
'So, did you use your other hand
to push him away?'

950
00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:43,200
'Fight back?
Will he have marks where you fought him?'

951
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:45,560
'On his hand where you bit him?'

952
00:54:45,680 --> 00:54:48,480
Then other body parts.
More questions.

953
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:50,280
I can't look at the officer any more.

954
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:53,240
'I... I... I don't know. I don't know.'

955
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:55,200
Humiliation. Distress.

956
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:57,320
Wrong or foolish behaviour?

957
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:00,440
Was it me?

958
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:02,800
What did I do wrong?
I mean, was I foolish?

959
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:06,040
What should I have done?
The officer wants my phone. 'No, no.

960
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:10,080
'I need it!' He's not happy about this.
He leaves the room.

961
00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:13,680
I'm alone again.

962
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:15,400
Waiting.

963
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:17,320
Waiting. He returns.

964
00:55:17,440 --> 00:55:20,080
Again about the phone.
I can't... Won't.

965
00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:23,760
'It's my family, friends, my work!'
The officer gives me a look.

966
00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:25,680
I know I am being difficult,

967
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:29,120
but he tells me a car
will take me to the Havens?

968
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:35,840
A forensic medical examination?
I have to tell him.

969
00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:39,840
'It might not come up with much
because I...

970
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:42,840
'I had a shower straight after.'

971
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:44,960
Oh, my God!

972
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:49,960
I am a... I am a fucking idiot!

973
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:55,480
'I've had a shower.
I've washed everything away. I mean...

974
00:55:56,120 --> 00:56:00,120
'What if he says we did not have sex?
How can I prove...? No.

975
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:05,160
'No. He's not that stupid. He would have
to admit to that fact, surely?

976
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:09,280
'He would just say... He would just say
that it was consensual sex, won't he?'

977
00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:12,600
I look back at the officer.
He's chewing gum.

978
00:56:12,720 --> 00:56:16,880
'Wait till he gets a bastard defence
barrister, they could say anything then.'

979
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:20,880
I tell him, 'Julian is a bastard
defence barrister.'

980
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:23,440
He stops chewing, rolls his eyes.

981
00:56:23,560 --> 00:56:25,880
Looks at me
as if I've done it deliberately –

982
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:28,480
picked the most challenging defendant.

983
00:56:28,600 --> 00:56:34,880
I hear myself, small voice, I mention,
'I, too, am a defence barrister.'

984
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:38,440
I don't know how to interpret
the look that I get.

985
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:41,480
Is it smug or is it genuinely sympathetic?

986
00:56:41,600 --> 00:56:44,400
I can't read it, not now, flat voice.

987
00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:47,880
'Ah! Now you need us though, don't you?'

988
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:49,560
'Sorry?'

989
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:53,320
Richard asks me a question.
Something about being ready? Calm?

990
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:57,280
I answer, but I don't, I can't,
I don't know what I said.

991
00:56:57,400 --> 00:57:01,840
Eyes on the table.
White plastic turning dirty cream.

992
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:06,080
Richard asks me if I'm sure about
refusing video evidence.

993
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:10,120
'Yes. I want to look Julian
right in the eye.'

994
00:57:10,240 --> 00:57:11,880
This is me,

995
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:16,200
waiting for the court to call the matter
with Julian's name on it.

996
00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:17,920
The Queen v Julian Brookes.

997
00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:21,760
It's on the court list,
for every single person to see.

998
00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:25,040
The Queen v Julian Brookes.

999
00:57:25,160 --> 00:57:27,520
This is me,
knowing the jury are being empanelled.

1000
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:30,880
Courtroom 1.
Julian's barrister, his QC.

1001
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:33,960
He's probably hoping
for as few women as possible.

1002
00:57:34,080 --> 00:57:37,800
Talking strategy.
Julian in there, giving his opinion.

1003
00:57:37,920 --> 00:57:42,160
Making sure he has the best possible
chance of being found not guilty.

1004
00:57:42,280 --> 00:57:46,560
Me, I sit here,
waiting till I'm allowed in.

1005
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:49,120
Richard has to return to the courtroom.

1006
00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:51,960
He puts his hand on my shoulder.
I flinch.

1007
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:55,440
I can't help it.

1008
00:57:55,560 --> 00:58:00,840
Richard is talking to me, mouth moving.
'Is someone coming to be with you?'

1009
00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:02,800
'Mm-hm. Mm-hm.'

1010
00:58:03,720 --> 00:58:05,360
Fuck!

1011
00:58:05,480 --> 00:58:07,320
I will not cry.

1012
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:12,440
Hospital bed at the Havens.
The forensic medical examination.

1013
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:16,280
White gown, waiting for the nurse.

1014
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:18,880
'Name, please?'
'Tessa Jane Ensler.'

1015
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,480
My phone beeps. A text.

1016
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:26,560
Oh, my God. It's him. It's Julian!
'Date of birth?'

1017
00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:31,160
'Where are you?
Don't tell me you've gone into work! J.

1018
00:58:31,280 --> 00:58:34,320
'Kiss. Kiss.'
The phone feels contaminated.

1019
00:58:34,440 --> 00:58:37,840
I delete it.
Instantly regret deleting evidence.

1020
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:42,200
What is wrong with me? I keep doing this!
I should have given the officer my phone.

1021
00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:46,840
'Residential address?'
I go cold. He is still at my fucking flat.

1022
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:51,120
I overcome my urge to throw the phone
to the ground, smash it to bits.

1023
00:58:51,240 --> 00:58:52,560
It beeps again.

1024
00:58:57,760 --> 00:59:02,760
'PS, hope you're OK after everything?
I'm heading off home.'

1025
00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:05,600
'After everything?' question mark.
I'm confused.

1026
00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:09,160
'Blood pressure?' Is he worried
about himself? About what he did?

1027
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:12,720
'Temperature?'
This time, I am smart. I save the text.

1028
00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:14,520
I even screenshot it.

1029
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:19,120
It's 8:30 a.m. and a woman with gloves
is examining my vagina.

1030
00:59:19,240 --> 00:59:22,960
Photographs. Eyes on the ceiling.
Gritted teeth.

1031
00:59:23,080 --> 00:59:28,000
And Julian is in my flat,
taking a shower in my bathroom?

1032
00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:30,080
Looking through my fridge?

1033
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:33,040
Yesterday, I had imagined, hoped,

1034
00:59:33,160 --> 00:59:36,520
that we might be having breakfast together
this morning and...

1035
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:40,440
What am I doing here?
I tell the nurse, 'I... I am not sure.'

1036
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:43,240
She stops. Stands.
The nurse says something kind.

1037
00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:46,960
I don't register it, she is done.
I will not cry.

1038
00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:50,200
She asks if I have somewhere to go,
someone to be with?

1039
00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:52,680
I... I don't know.

1040
00:59:53,560 --> 00:59:56,240
I feel out of control.
What if I'm overreacting?

1041
00:59:56,360 --> 00:59:58,280
I am not. I am not.

1042
00:59:59,120 --> 01:00:01,680
But am I? I know Julian.
I have known him for years.

1043
01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:04,400
'This is not love.'

1044
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:10,080
'Are they going to arrest him now?'
The nurse is not sure.

1045
01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:12,600
She asks if I want to speak
to a social worker.

1046
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:16,720
'No. No, thank you. Can I just leave?'
The nurse calls the police officer in.

1047
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:20,040
The big officer says he'll take
the forensic evidence with him.

1048
01:00:20,160 --> 01:00:22,160
He'll be in touch, but I...

1049
01:00:23,560 --> 01:00:26,560
'Are you going to arrest him?'

1050
01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:30,520
'Yes. Unless...
Do you want us to arrest him?'

1051
01:00:30,640 --> 01:00:33,160
I can't say yes and I can't say no,

1052
01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:35,560
but he can't just get away with it,
can he?

1053
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:37,640
Pretend it didn't happen?

1054
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:41,320
I want him to know what he did.
I don't want a text asking if I'm OK.

1055
01:00:41,440 --> 01:00:45,360
I am not fucking OK.
I am not OK.

1056
01:00:45,480 --> 01:00:48,000
'Will you be willing
to give evidence in court?

1057
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:51,760
'I don't want to discourage you from
moving forward, but it will be tough.'

1058
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:55,600
Then he says, 'The Crown
Prosecution Service will decide

1059
01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:58,600
'if the case is good enough
to go to trial.'

1060
01:00:59,600 --> 01:01:04,240
I know this, of course I know it,
but it is like a slap.

1061
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:06,600
I don't get to decide. No.

1062
01:01:06,720 --> 01:01:11,400
No, my life is in the hands of the police,
the CPS, the court system.

1063
01:01:11,520 --> 01:01:13,320
I have no control.

1064
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:18,480
So much at stake –
my privacy, my family, my friends.

1065
01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:20,680
[CRYING] Everything. I am scared.

1066
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:28,920
[STEADYING HER BREATH]

1067
01:01:32,880 --> 01:01:35,360
But there is this person inside of me,

1068
01:01:35,480 --> 01:01:39,360
that girl who fought
and fought to be seen.

1069
01:01:39,480 --> 01:01:43,720
Look to your left, look to your right,
who won't make it?

1070
01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:48,320
She is brave, and if I do nothing, I...

1071
01:01:50,480 --> 01:01:52,880
..I think I could lose her.

1072
01:01:55,760 --> 01:01:59,120
'Yes. Yes, I will give evidence in court.'

1073
01:01:59,760 --> 01:02:01,400
My mum arrives.

1074
01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:03,680
Sensible pants, sensible shoes.

1075
01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:07,920
Clutching her straw bag,
the one I gave her for her birthday.

1076
01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:09,960
It's a beach bag!

1077
01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:14,240
I told her, 'Pop your sunscreen
and your towels in it and off you go.'

1078
01:02:14,360 --> 01:02:16,880
[MIMICS] 'When do I have time
to go to the beach?'

1079
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:18,520
Fa-ail!

1080
01:02:18,640 --> 01:02:23,120
She looks so afraid,
and she is here because of me.

1081
01:02:23,240 --> 01:02:25,960
I mean, everything feels like
my fault these days.

1082
01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:30,480
After 782 days,
I cannot stop all the voices.

1083
01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:33,600
'You fucked a guy on a sofa in work.'

1084
01:02:33,720 --> 01:02:38,360
'You invite him back to your home.'
'You're so drunk you even vomit.'

1085
01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:40,720
Berating myself.

1086
01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:44,440
'You didn't scream or kick enough,
you just froze.

1087
01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:49,120
'In the middle of it all, you just froze.
What is wrong with you?

1088
01:02:49,240 --> 01:02:51,360
'No. You're pathetic.

1089
01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:53,920
'You let him sleep in your bed
after he'd done that to you,

1090
01:02:54,040 --> 01:02:56,400
'while you cried in the shower?

1091
01:02:56,520 --> 01:02:59,880
'Julian, he is a good barrister,
he does lots of pro bono work,

1092
01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:02,280
'what are you doing to him?

1093
01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:06,120
'What if he really thought
you were consenting?'

1094
01:03:06,240 --> 01:03:10,280
I dig into my thighs with my nails,
make myself feel the pain.

1095
01:03:10,400 --> 01:03:13,480
'Come on, Tess, remember.

1096
01:03:13,600 --> 01:03:17,400
'The law says...
It says you cannot do this to a woman.

1097
01:03:17,520 --> 01:03:21,280
'You can't hold her down,
keep her trapped while you...

1098
01:03:22,240 --> 01:03:25,480
'..you push,
you... push yourself inside of her.

1099
01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:29,640
'You can't rape and then pretend
it was consensual, can you, Mum?'

1100
01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:33,760
She hands me a sandwich.
Strawberry jam?!

1101
01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:37,720
Me stomach can't take it,
but she looks so worried.

1102
01:03:39,160 --> 01:03:41,240
She looks so old now.

1103
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:44,880
Deep bags under her eyes.

1104
01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:46,680
Silence.

1105
01:03:46,800 --> 01:03:48,480
Chew white bread.

1106
01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:52,840
The overly sweet taste of... [SNIFFS]
..strawberry and butter.

1107
01:03:53,520 --> 01:03:55,360
She gets up...

1108
01:04:00,200 --> 01:04:03,280
..and she completely engulfs me

1109
01:04:03,400 --> 01:04:05,760
in this gruff hug.

1110
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:10,400
'Be your strong self!
Don't let the bastards get you down!

1111
01:04:10,520 --> 01:04:16,000
'Even if they get away with it,
you don't let them ruin our Tessa.'

1112
01:04:17,640 --> 01:04:19,080
Mm-hm.

1113
01:04:19,920 --> 01:04:21,400
Mm-hm.

1114
01:04:21,520 --> 01:04:23,360
I won't cry, I won't.

1115
01:04:24,240 --> 01:04:25,600
I won't.

1116
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:30,600
The trial is set down for just three days.

1117
01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:33,600
It's only me giving evidence, not Julian.

1118
01:04:33,720 --> 01:04:37,440
Today, Julian is pleading not guilty.

1119
01:04:37,560 --> 01:04:40,400
He won't admit what he did,
but I know he knows.

1120
01:04:40,520 --> 01:04:44,600
I mean, I know he must know.
He's not stupid.

1121
01:04:44,720 --> 01:04:46,440
He's just convinced himself

1122
01:04:46,560 --> 01:04:50,000
and all the people he asked
to write letters of support for him,

1123
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:52,240
people I know.

1124
01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:54,520
He's convinced himself and them

1125
01:04:54,640 --> 01:04:58,320
that I'm a liar
and I am doing this to destroy him.

1126
01:04:58,440 --> 01:05:02,840
He has convinced himself
that he is the victim.

1127
01:05:03,880 --> 01:05:09,640
While me, I'm forced to say the words,
relive it all in front of everyone.

1128
01:05:09,760 --> 01:05:13,640
Why? How can he sit there
and not be cross-examined?

1129
01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:16,840
He did this to me.
I am the one on trial.

1130
01:05:16,960 --> 01:05:18,640
Mum's face.

1131
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:24,120
I can't help thinking she knows
what it is to be violated somehow.

1132
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,120
I will never ask.

1133
01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:32,200
White bread is in lumps in my throat.

1134
01:05:32,320 --> 01:05:34,840
Swallowing is hard. Richard appears.

1135
01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:39,640
'We have a jury? How many women?'
'Four.'

1136
01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:41,760
'Is that good?' me mum asks.

1137
01:05:41,880 --> 01:05:43,520
I don't know.

1138
01:05:43,640 --> 01:05:46,320
I mean, women can be just as bad
at believing other women.

1139
01:05:46,440 --> 01:05:48,480
Why is that, eh?

1140
01:05:48,600 --> 01:05:50,280
Why is that?

1141
01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:52,680
Me mum goes off to find the loo.

1142
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:54,800
I'm alone again.

1143
01:05:54,920 --> 01:05:56,760
Mia, I need her.

1144
01:05:56,880 --> 01:06:00,880
I get out my phone.
I scroll through this morning's text.

1145
01:06:01,000 --> 01:06:03,280
She's doing Shakespeare.

1146
01:06:03,400 --> 01:06:05,480
On a cruise ship?

1147
01:06:05,600 --> 01:06:09,240
I feel stronger.
Mia is on team Tessa.

1148
01:06:09,360 --> 01:06:11,600
Richard, he is in the courtroom.

1149
01:06:11,720 --> 01:06:13,680
Once he gives
the prosecution opening address,

1150
01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:15,640
I will be called in as the first witness.

1151
01:06:15,760 --> 01:06:19,160
Julian in there able to hear everything.

1152
01:06:19,280 --> 01:06:20,840
The opening.

1153
01:06:20,960 --> 01:06:24,320
I mean, sitting back knowing
he will not have to say a word.

1154
01:06:24,440 --> 01:06:28,600
I... I psyche myself up
for what's to come.

1155
01:06:30,640 --> 01:06:32,640
I get out my mirror,

1156
01:06:32,760 --> 01:06:34,160
fix my make-up.

1157
01:06:34,280 --> 01:06:37,400
My outfit, it's chosen
from my lawyer's wardrobe. Yeah.

1158
01:06:37,520 --> 01:06:42,040
It's a perfect blend of 'I am a...
'I am a strong woman!

1159
01:06:42,160 --> 01:06:44,840
'I am not ashamed and I am not a slut.'

1160
01:06:44,960 --> 01:06:47,480
My mum comes in
just as a police officer enters –

1161
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:51,240
a young woman, so tiny in her uniform,
baton in her holster.

1162
01:06:51,360 --> 01:06:53,000
'They're calling for you now, Tessa.'

1163
01:06:53,120 --> 01:06:55,800
'Can you take my mum with you?'

1164
01:06:55,920 --> 01:06:58,440
She nods, she takes my mum's arm.

1165
01:06:58,560 --> 01:07:01,200
but before she leaves,
she turns at the door,

1166
01:07:01,320 --> 01:07:04,160
squeezes my upper arm like a friend...

1167
01:07:08,960 --> 01:07:10,640
A sister.

1168
01:07:15,120 --> 01:07:17,040
This is me.

1169
01:07:18,880 --> 01:07:21,240
Walking into the courtroom

1170
01:07:21,360 --> 01:07:23,240
to give my evidence.

1171
01:07:23,360 --> 01:07:25,840
This is me.

1172
01:07:25,960 --> 01:07:28,680
Bowing to the judge,

1173
01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:33,160
as I make my way in
and up to the witness stand.

1174
01:07:34,240 --> 01:07:36,400
This is me.

1175
01:07:36,520 --> 01:07:39,560
Standing in the witness box

1176
01:07:39,680 --> 01:07:42,480
as the words coming out
of my mouth declare

1177
01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:45,120
'that the evidence I shall give
shall be the truth,

1178
01:07:45,240 --> 01:07:47,560
'the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.'

1179
01:07:47,680 --> 01:07:50,280
The air is still. I look up.

1180
01:07:50,400 --> 01:07:54,840
Julian's dad with his mum and brother
seated up front in the gallery.

1181
01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:57,200
How they hate me.

1182
01:07:57,320 --> 01:07:59,600
I turn, look at Julian,

1183
01:07:59,720 --> 01:08:01,600
suited-up, seated in the dock.

1184
01:08:01,720 --> 01:08:04,560
A QC and a junior at the starting gate.

1185
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:07,240
Julian looks right back at me.

1186
01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:10,200
It feels like he is going to mouth
'I'm sorry,'

1187
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,640
but instead, almost imperceptible,

1188
01:08:12,760 --> 01:08:15,520
a shaking of his head saying,
'What have you done?'

1189
01:08:15,640 --> 01:08:19,600
I look at the jury.
They will be the ones, these strangers.

1190
01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:23,040
I look at the judge.
He's looking at a file on his laptop.

1191
01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:26,960
Bar table, bench. Panic.
All the barristers are men!

1192
01:08:27,080 --> 01:08:29,640
The judge, the judge's clerk,

1193
01:08:29,760 --> 01:08:33,800
the prosecuting counsel,
the police, the instructing solicitor.

1194
01:08:33,920 --> 01:08:37,640
I am the only woman.
Even the court usher is a man!

1195
01:08:37,760 --> 01:08:41,240
I am the only one – the only woman.

1196
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:43,760
I can feel my heart thumping,

1197
01:08:43,880 --> 01:08:46,840
the blood actually rushing through me.

1198
01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:52,840
And after 782 days,
after being asked over and over again,

1199
01:08:52,960 --> 01:08:55,840
'Are you sure
you want to go through with this?'

1200
01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:59,560
After all the snide
and embarrassed looks at work,

1201
01:08:59,680 --> 01:09:01,640
the doubts people have expressed about me,

1202
01:09:01,760 --> 01:09:06,600
the statements, the rape kit,
the ongoing scouring of my own body,

1203
01:09:06,720 --> 01:09:11,600
the nightmares, the vomiting,
the digging into my own flesh,

1204
01:09:11,720 --> 01:09:14,000
I am here. I am right here.

1205
01:09:14,120 --> 01:09:16,800
And the system I dedicated my life to,

1206
01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:20,280
it's called upon, by me,
to find the truth,

1207
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:22,120
to provide justice.

1208
01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:25,280
The prosecutor, Richard,
stands to start the prosecution case.

1209
01:09:26,440 --> 01:09:28,960
Twice, I've seen Julian. The first...

1210
01:09:30,720 --> 01:09:33,280
The first time,

1211
01:09:33,400 --> 01:09:35,240
the police,

1212
01:09:35,360 --> 01:09:38,280
well, they hadn't...
they hadn't arrested him yet.

1213
01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:40,960
They called, they said it was imminent,

1214
01:09:41,080 --> 01:09:44,160
but they wouldn't do it in his workplace.
Right!

1215
01:09:44,280 --> 01:09:46,480
'It's an interesting case, though.

1216
01:09:46,600 --> 01:09:49,080
'Two defence barristers
fighting it out in court!'

1217
01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:53,040
was an interesting concept
for the Crown Prosecution Service.

1218
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:56,360
The horrible humour in it for them all.
The CPS.

1219
01:09:56,480 --> 01:09:59,080
They all knew me before.
Before.

1220
01:09:59,200 --> 01:10:01,600
Always on the other side, before.

1221
01:10:02,400 --> 01:10:05,320
I tried to prep my brief on Sunday.
Tired, weepy.

1222
01:10:05,440 --> 01:10:07,920
I could not concentrate. Slept badly.

1223
01:10:08,040 --> 01:10:10,600
And then Monday, catch the train in.

1224
01:10:10,720 --> 01:10:13,480
I'm standing across the street
from chambers.

1225
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:17,000
Knees weak, head spinning.
I sit down on some steps.

1226
01:10:17,120 --> 01:10:19,800
I call Alice,
ask her to meet me across the street.

1227
01:10:19,920 --> 01:10:21,520
I'm hyperventilating.

1228
01:10:21,640 --> 01:10:25,920
I ask her to run my case that day,
I tell her I have a virus.

1229
01:10:26,040 --> 01:10:29,120
She puts me in a cab home.
I'm terrified.

1230
01:10:29,240 --> 01:10:33,760
How will I ever go back to chambers
to work with Julian there?

1231
01:10:33,880 --> 01:10:36,920
I finally... I finally... I call my mum.

1232
01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:39,560
She's not happy to hear from me,
she's at work.

1233
01:10:39,680 --> 01:10:42,040
But I tell her,

1234
01:10:42,160 --> 01:10:45,760
and within a couple of hours,
she is at my place.

1235
01:10:45,880 --> 01:10:49,920
I tell her what happened
in as little detail as possible.

1236
01:10:50,040 --> 01:10:52,800
She doesn't seem shocked or desperate.

1237
01:10:52,920 --> 01:10:55,960
She does seem filled with a fury
she is trying to control.

1238
01:10:56,080 --> 01:10:59,600
I tell her, 'Don't tell my brother, Mum.
We both know why.'

1239
01:10:59,720 --> 01:11:01,520
She is very clear with me.

1240
01:11:01,640 --> 01:11:05,640
'You go back to work. You do not let this
ruin everything you've worked for.

1241
01:11:05,760 --> 01:11:08,520
'This is your job,
your income, your career.'

1242
01:11:08,640 --> 01:11:11,720
I...
I try again on Tuesday.

1243
01:11:11,840 --> 01:11:15,600
I manage to make it inside chambers.
Everyone is busy.

1244
01:11:15,720 --> 01:11:18,480
I head to the photocopier,
and I smack bang run into him.

1245
01:11:18,600 --> 01:11:22,040
'Hey.'
He's searching my face for something.

1246
01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:25,560
'Are we good?'
I guess my look says, 'Nah!'

1247
01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:29,440
'Look, Tess,
I'm sorry if I've upset you somehow.

1248
01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:34,080
'Let me take you for lunch this week.'
I want to say something, but I am just...

1249
01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:39,440
He hesitates. 'Look, I can barely
remember, I drank so much.'

1250
01:11:39,560 --> 01:11:42,520
He waits, then, 'Well, we both did.'

1251
01:11:42,640 --> 01:11:46,120
We could put it down to that and this
whole thing would go away, wouldn't it?

1252
01:11:46,240 --> 01:11:51,200
Yeah. Couldn't I just put this down
to a really bad drunken sex night?

1253
01:11:51,320 --> 01:11:55,040
'Anyway, I'm sorry
if I've upset you somehow.'

1254
01:11:55,160 --> 01:11:58,840
My voice is screaming,
but only inside my head.

1255
01:11:58,960 --> 01:12:01,040
Upset me? Somehow? You...

1256
01:12:01,160 --> 01:12:03,680
You raped me.

1257
01:12:03,800 --> 01:12:05,920
You held me down and you...

1258
01:12:06,040 --> 01:12:10,960
Suddenly, Alice is upon us,
and then I am photocopying.

1259
01:12:11,080 --> 01:12:16,160
Later that day, I grab a coffee
with the QC I ran into on Friday.

1260
01:12:16,280 --> 01:12:18,640
He tells me all the attributes
of his chambers,

1261
01:12:18,760 --> 01:12:21,560
the amazing barristers
I would be working with.

1262
01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:24,440
I tell him I would be delighted
to take it. We shake hands.

1263
01:12:24,560 --> 01:12:29,320
I tell myself I will just work harder
to cover the cost of the new chambers.

1264
01:12:29,440 --> 01:12:35,120
The second time I have to face Julian
is... is after he's been arrested.

1265
01:12:35,240 --> 01:12:37,360
It's an afternoon court foyer.

1266
01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:41,360
I know I should just walk past him,
we are not supposed to speak.

1267
01:12:41,480 --> 01:12:45,800
But stupidly, my eyes look right at him.
I freeze.

1268
01:12:45,920 --> 01:12:49,920
'How could you do this to me?'
He... He is convincing.

1269
01:12:50,040 --> 01:12:52,120
'I really like you, Tess.

1270
01:12:52,240 --> 01:12:55,240
'I mean, I was hoping
we'd find something special together.

1271
01:12:55,360 --> 01:12:58,320
'I held your hair while you vomited,
for Christ's sake.

1272
01:12:58,440 --> 01:13:02,400
'But this, what you've said,
are you out of your fucking mind?'

1273
01:13:02,520 --> 01:13:05,240
I look him in the face,
'You know what happened.'

1274
01:13:05,360 --> 01:13:08,800
'Whatever it was, I am not a criminal.
This is not who I am.

1275
01:13:08,920 --> 01:13:11,560
'And, my God, you are not a victim!

1276
01:13:11,680 --> 01:13:13,960
'You know if you continue
to go through with this,

1277
01:13:14,080 --> 01:13:16,160
'you're going to destroy my career.

1278
01:13:16,280 --> 01:13:18,560
'You do realise that, don't you?'

1279
01:13:18,680 --> 01:13:21,840
He walks away.
I consider telling the police.

1280
01:13:21,960 --> 01:13:25,480
He spoke to me, he breached
his bail conditions, but I...

1281
01:13:25,600 --> 01:13:28,800
I'm not allowed to speak to him either.

1282
01:13:29,600 --> 01:13:31,520
I go to the bathroom.

1283
01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:35,280
I lock the door.
I'm in there for a long time.

1284
01:13:35,400 --> 01:13:38,080
I vomit and I wash my face,

1285
01:13:38,200 --> 01:13:40,600
and I cry and I cry and I cry.

1286
01:13:41,520 --> 01:13:43,360
Richard clears his throat,

1287
01:13:43,480 --> 01:13:45,840
gives me a sympathetic smile,

1288
01:13:45,960 --> 01:13:48,640
and then he is all professional.

1289
01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:51,960
'Can you tell the court
your name and occupation?'

1290
01:13:52,080 --> 01:13:54,280
I won't take my eyes off him.

1291
01:13:54,400 --> 01:13:57,400
'In your own words,
can you please tell the court

1292
01:13:57,520 --> 01:14:00,760
'about the first night you spent
with Julian Brookes?'

1293
01:14:00,880 --> 01:14:03,640
As I speak about
the first night in chambers,

1294
01:14:03,760 --> 01:14:05,320
I hear a snicker.

1295
01:14:05,440 --> 01:14:08,400
I involuntarily dart my eyes out
to seek who it is.

1296
01:14:08,520 --> 01:14:11,040
There are extra people in the gallery,
Julian's friends.

1297
01:14:11,160 --> 01:14:16,360
Old school buddies? Uni mates?
They all look the same.

1298
01:14:16,480 --> 01:14:19,800
This is them showing support
for one of their own.

1299
01:14:19,920 --> 01:14:22,680
'And after the vodka
in Mr Brookes' office?'

1300
01:14:23,840 --> 01:14:30,240
My mum hears how her daughter had sex
with a man in an office on his sofa.

1301
01:14:30,360 --> 01:14:33,440
I cringe when I'm asked the detail,
catch her face.

1302
01:14:33,560 --> 01:14:36,560
Her look doesn't change in any way.

1303
01:14:36,680 --> 01:14:38,440
'Turning to the night in question,

1304
01:14:38,560 --> 01:14:41,920
'can you please tell the court,
in your own words, what happened?'

1305
01:14:42,040 --> 01:14:46,080
I look at the jury, a man seated
in the middle. I feel anxious.

1306
01:14:46,200 --> 01:14:49,520
A woman juror is looking at me,
I avoid her eye.

1307
01:14:49,640 --> 01:14:52,800
I don't want to do anything
that suggests manipulation.

1308
01:14:52,920 --> 01:14:54,640
I speak.

1309
01:14:54,760 --> 01:15:00,200
Japanese, gelato, Uber, my place, wine.
Having sex earlier in the night.

1310
01:15:00,320 --> 01:15:04,360
'And then?' I... I have to speak about
the vomiting in the bathroom.

1311
01:15:04,480 --> 01:15:07,080
Was I naked?
How long was I there?

1312
01:15:07,200 --> 01:15:10,400
Julian carefully carrying me
back to the bed.

1313
01:15:10,520 --> 01:15:15,000
And it occurs to me in this moment,
in court, as I am answering this question,

1314
01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:19,280
that Julian carefully carrying me
back to the bed

1315
01:15:19,400 --> 01:15:22,080
means he wasn't too drunk
that he could not remember.

1316
01:15:22,200 --> 01:15:25,640
He has lied to me about being so drunk.

1317
01:15:25,760 --> 01:15:28,360
He was able to lift me
and walk steadily back.

1318
01:15:28,480 --> 01:15:32,600
He didn't fall or stumble.
He knew what he was doing, but...

1319
01:15:35,040 --> 01:15:37,480
This will be used against me. Yeah.

1320
01:15:37,600 --> 01:15:42,600
They will say I was the only drunk one in
this story, so I am the less reliable one.

1321
01:15:42,720 --> 01:15:47,040
I answer the questions aloud.
In my head, I am cross-examining myself.

1322
01:15:47,160 --> 01:15:51,040
I'm using my own defence skills
to doubt my very own story.

1323
01:15:51,160 --> 01:15:56,280
I realise I've been doing this
for two years and 52 days.

1324
01:15:56,400 --> 01:16:01,320
Finding fault in my story.
Trapped again and again and again.

1325
01:16:01,440 --> 01:16:04,200
Dig my nails into my palms.

1326
01:16:04,320 --> 01:16:08,640
I will not freeze up this time.
I will not question my memory.

1327
01:16:08,760 --> 01:16:11,560
I will not minimise what's happened.
I will not embellish.

1328
01:16:11,680 --> 01:16:14,200
I know what happened that night.

1329
01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:18,520
Then Richard. The rape.
'Explain where each of your limbs were.'

1330
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:22,960
I try to explain to Richard,
but I'm not as clear as I need to be.

1331
01:16:23,080 --> 01:16:26,920
'Can you tell the court
what you were thinking at the time?'

1332
01:16:27,040 --> 01:16:30,800
How I didn't want this. Felt trapped.
I could not move properly.

1333
01:16:30,920 --> 01:16:36,200
'Did you make it clear to Mr Brookes
that you were not consenting to sex?'

1334
01:16:36,320 --> 01:16:41,040
'Yes. I did. I said, "No. Stop."
I tried to push him away.' Didn't I?

1335
01:16:41,160 --> 01:16:44,760
'Did you say anything else? Scream?'

1336
01:16:44,880 --> 01:16:49,000
'Yes. Yes, I tried to,
but his hand was over my mouth.'

1337
01:16:49,120 --> 01:16:51,160
'Then what?'

1338
01:16:51,280 --> 01:16:56,200
'Er... I could hardly breathe, I froze.

1339
01:16:56,320 --> 01:17:00,760
'Then pain searing through my body.
Shock. Dissociation.'

1340
01:17:00,880 --> 01:17:04,480
It's happening even now.
More questions. More details.

1341
01:17:04,600 --> 01:17:06,520
More humiliation.

1342
01:17:06,640 --> 01:17:10,400
This is me,
giving my testimony in court.

1343
01:17:10,520 --> 01:17:12,400
Final question from Richard.

1344
01:17:12,520 --> 01:17:17,320
He sits down, smiles at me, pleased with
the examination-in-chief. It's gone well.

1345
01:17:18,440 --> 01:17:20,320
I'm alone again.

1346
01:17:20,440 --> 01:17:21,800
Waiting.

1347
01:17:21,920 --> 01:17:26,480
Fingers jittery.
Hands, armpits, I mean, shins sweating.

1348
01:17:26,600 --> 01:17:31,120
I look up. I see Alice and Adam
at the back of the courtroom.

1349
01:17:31,240 --> 01:17:33,160
Adam has a beard now.

1350
01:17:33,280 --> 01:17:36,120
It's been so long since I've been
in touch with either of them.

1351
01:17:36,240 --> 01:17:38,920
I've been working at the new chambers
for over two years now.

1352
01:17:39,040 --> 01:17:41,520
I have managed to avoid all of them.

1353
01:17:41,640 --> 01:17:45,720
Adam, he wrote me an email
telling me he believed me.

1354
01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:49,280
He intimated that Julian
had had another experience,

1355
01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:52,040
not as serious, but...

1356
01:17:52,160 --> 01:17:54,520
Not admissible, it was hearsay.

1357
01:17:55,480 --> 01:17:58,600
Wrote that if I needed him,
I should just call.

1358
01:17:58,720 --> 01:18:02,640
I never did. Why?
Why didn't I reach out to Adam?

1359
01:18:02,760 --> 01:18:05,280
Was I ashamed? Yes.

1360
01:18:05,400 --> 01:18:08,200
Check Mum.
She hasn't moved a muscle.

1361
01:18:08,320 --> 01:18:13,000
Beach bag clutched on her lap,
young officer by her side.

1362
01:18:13,120 --> 01:18:14,880
Waiting.

1363
01:18:15,000 --> 01:18:17,120
And I know, more than anyone,

1364
01:18:17,240 --> 01:18:21,040
this next part,
it is where the real work is done.

1365
01:18:21,160 --> 01:18:25,520
Take a sip from a glass of water
on my left, hand shaking.

1366
01:18:25,640 --> 01:18:28,400
The defence counsel stands slowly.

1367
01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:35,600
This is it – the cross-examination
by the best QC money can buy.

1368
01:18:36,840 --> 01:18:38,640
Thoroughbred.

1369
01:18:38,760 --> 01:18:41,280
And... bang!

1370
01:18:41,880 --> 01:18:43,440
'Yes. Yes. No.'

1371
01:18:43,560 --> 01:18:47,400
'No. I think so.
No, it was the second time. Yes.'

1372
01:18:47,520 --> 01:18:49,400
'I think so. Sorry?'

1373
01:18:49,520 --> 01:18:52,320
'No. Yes, I'm sure. I don't know.'

1374
01:18:52,440 --> 01:18:54,880
'Maybe my idea. I think so.'

1375
01:18:55,000 --> 01:18:58,520
'Do I agree? Yes. Yes, yes. A few.'

1376
01:18:58,640 --> 01:19:03,480
'Quite a few, yes. Six.
Well, perhaps, yes, maybe eight.'

1377
01:19:03,600 --> 01:19:05,320
Richard is on his feet. 'Your Honour!'

1378
01:19:05,440 --> 01:19:07,560
I have already given evidence
about blah, blah, blah.

1379
01:19:07,680 --> 01:19:09,600
I feel hot.
'Overruled.'

1380
01:19:09,720 --> 01:19:11,360
'Yes. Yes.'

1381
01:19:11,480 --> 01:19:13,600
'Um... I don't remember. No.'

1382
01:19:14,440 --> 01:19:16,120
'I don't know. I vomited.'

1383
01:19:16,240 --> 01:19:19,400
'I don't know for sure.
I don't understand.'

1384
01:19:19,520 --> 01:19:21,360
'I don't know.'
'Yes, I was.'

1385
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:23,360
'Yes, I did like him at the time.

1386
01:19:23,480 --> 01:19:26,960
'I only told two friends, Mia and Alice.'

1387
01:19:27,080 --> 01:19:29,680
'I'm not sure, I don't know.'
'Yes. Yes. I think so.'

1388
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:31,840
Richard is on his feet again,
I don't follow.

1389
01:19:31,960 --> 01:19:36,280
Richard looks worried,
my throat feels dry. Then it's me again.

1390
01:19:36,400 --> 01:19:40,320
'No. No, I think I could have
walked back to the bed. No.'

1391
01:19:40,440 --> 01:19:43,520
'Well, I know because I walked
to the shower after the...'

1392
01:19:43,640 --> 01:19:47,280
Richard is saying something. Sits down.
QC is back to me.

1393
01:19:47,400 --> 01:19:50,240
'Yes. Yes, I liked him then...'
But I'm cut off.

1394
01:19:50,360 --> 01:19:53,080
'I don't know.'
Weird pause.

1395
01:19:53,200 --> 01:19:56,600
They haven't made their major defence
arguments but I can feel them coming.

1396
01:19:56,720 --> 01:19:59,200
Richard is in the dark as much as I am.

1397
01:19:59,320 --> 01:20:02,320
I go from Richard's face
to the QC's face to Richard's face.

1398
01:20:02,440 --> 01:20:06,960
And when the first of their points arrive,
I am dumbstruck.

1399
01:20:07,080 --> 01:20:09,680
'Sorry, what are you saying? No.
No, no, no.

1400
01:20:09,800 --> 01:20:12,720
'I don't understand the question. No.'

1401
01:20:12,840 --> 01:20:17,080
'No, it was not my hand on my mouth.
What, my own hand? No.

1402
01:20:17,200 --> 01:20:22,160
'It was Julian's hand. My breath? Yes.
I might have touched my own mouth, yes.'

1403
01:20:22,280 --> 01:20:26,400
'But no. No, no. That's not what happened.
I didn't want to have sex. I felt sick.'

1404
01:20:26,520 --> 01:20:27,920
'No, you're wrong.

1405
01:20:28,040 --> 01:20:30,080
'I didn't want to have sex
because I felt awful,

1406
01:20:30,200 --> 01:20:35,200
'not just because my breath was sour from
vomiting. No. I remember it very well.'

1407
01:20:35,320 --> 01:20:37,240
'Yes, but... What? No. No.

1408
01:20:37,360 --> 01:20:41,800
'No, I did not put my hand on my mouth
to protect Julian from my sour breath.

1409
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:43,280
'No, I... That's not what... No.'

1410
01:20:43,400 --> 01:20:47,200
But then all these questions
about Julian's arms, his hands.

1411
01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:49,960
Which one was holding down
which of my wrists?

1412
01:20:50,080 --> 01:20:55,400
I realise they're trying to say that if
Julian had one hand on each of my wrists,

1413
01:20:55,520 --> 01:20:58,080
then he had no extra hand
to cover my mouth.

1414
01:20:58,200 --> 01:20:59,680
So, I was mistaken.

1415
01:20:59,800 --> 01:21:02,440
I wasn't actually pinned down
and, of course, I could breathe.

1416
01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:05,120
In fact, the hand on my mouth
must have been mine,

1417
01:21:05,240 --> 01:21:08,600
just saving Julian
from my bad vomit breath.

1418
01:21:08,720 --> 01:21:12,160
The QC is saying,
if it was my own hand on my own mouth,

1419
01:21:12,280 --> 01:21:16,200
as he suggests, then I could have
used it to push Julian away.

1420
01:21:16,320 --> 01:21:20,440
Or I could have removed my own hand
from my own mouth and just screamed.

1421
01:21:20,560 --> 01:21:23,560
My mind is messy. I can't catch up.
'No. No.'

1422
01:21:23,680 --> 01:21:28,800
'No. I tried to get away.
I told him, I said no. I struggled.

1423
01:21:28,920 --> 01:21:31,920
'It was...
It was his hand on my mouth.'

1424
01:21:32,040 --> 01:21:37,000
'How? Yes, yes. Yes, I did.
Yes. Yes. I think that's how.

1425
01:21:37,120 --> 01:21:41,640
'I tried to push him as best as I could,
but he was... No. No.

1426
01:21:41,760 --> 01:21:45,080
'No, he was squashing me.'
My mind is scrambled.

1427
01:21:45,200 --> 01:21:47,880
I can feel a terrible wrong
being done to me right now,

1428
01:21:48,000 --> 01:21:51,000
that this line of questioning,
it's making me look confused.

1429
01:21:51,120 --> 01:21:54,960
Because I am, I am really confused.

1430
01:21:55,080 --> 01:21:58,440
Julian told his lawyer,
or did the QC think it was a better story

1431
01:21:58,560 --> 01:22:01,600
that I put my own hand on my own mouth
and therefore, what?

1432
01:22:01,720 --> 01:22:04,920
I was the only one stopping myself
from screaming or speaking,

1433
01:22:05,040 --> 01:22:07,960
and I could have taken it away
at any stage

1434
01:22:08,080 --> 01:22:10,560
to... to speak up or push him away.

1435
01:22:10,680 --> 01:22:15,280
The QC is saying that it's my own hand
and my own mouth. 'As if it were a game.'

1436
01:22:15,400 --> 01:22:17,000
'A game?'

1437
01:22:17,120 --> 01:22:21,280
'Like the game of sex at chambers.'
That's what Julian said? A game.

1438
01:22:21,400 --> 01:22:23,320
I look around briefly.

1439
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:25,280
Thinking. Thinking.

1440
01:22:25,400 --> 01:22:28,360
I see Adam.
I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

1441
01:22:28,480 --> 01:22:31,960
Adam is willing me to remember.
He knows I am stuck.

1442
01:22:32,080 --> 01:22:34,760
And I... I remember!

1443
01:22:35,680 --> 01:22:38,400
Right there in court, I remember!

1444
01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:44,440
I say, 'Julian, he had both of my wrists
in one of his hands,

1445
01:22:44,560 --> 01:22:46,400
'pulled high above my head.

1446
01:22:46,520 --> 01:22:49,560
'Then his other hand,
it was over my mouth and nose as well.

1447
01:22:49,680 --> 01:22:52,440
'I could barely breathe.'
I am shaking.

1448
01:22:52,560 --> 01:22:57,280
My eyes on Julian now.
How dare you? How dare you?

1449
01:22:57,400 --> 01:23:00,720
And why am I up here
being made to look like a liar?

1450
01:23:03,840 --> 01:23:06,080
Julian won't meet my eye.

1451
01:23:07,400 --> 01:23:10,160
He looks over to his family.

1452
01:23:10,280 --> 01:23:12,760
His father gives him a confident nod.

1453
01:23:12,880 --> 01:23:16,400
The QC apologises to me
for making me uncomfortable.

1454
01:23:18,040 --> 01:23:20,360
He's being nice to me now,

1455
01:23:20,480 --> 01:23:25,080
and like every victim I have
cross-examined before, I fall for it.

1456
01:23:25,200 --> 01:23:27,520
I ache for niceness.

1457
01:23:27,640 --> 01:23:31,160
I feel so broken I want to go with him,
just to get it over with.

1458
01:23:31,280 --> 01:23:33,040
I want to be reeled in.

1459
01:23:33,160 --> 01:23:35,800
The questions start again.
First, compassion.

1460
01:23:35,920 --> 01:23:39,600
'I understand it was a terribly difficult
and confusing night for you.

1461
01:23:39,720 --> 01:23:42,800
'You were ill.'
I sway a bit. Then flattery.

1462
01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:45,480
The QC suggests that I'm a top barrister,

1463
01:23:45,600 --> 01:23:48,320
a woman other people speak of
in such high terms.

1464
01:23:48,440 --> 01:23:50,400
'A barrister who is seen to be easily

1465
01:23:50,520 --> 01:23:53,440
'the smartest of her bar call,
of her generation.'

1466
01:23:53,560 --> 01:23:57,320
This... This is going somewhere awful,
I feel it.

1467
01:23:57,440 --> 01:23:59,560
He brings up my new room.

1468
01:23:59,680 --> 01:24:02,880
Calls it a larger, more prestigious room.
What?

1469
01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:06,400
Says it was between Julian and myself
who would get that room.

1470
01:24:06,520 --> 01:24:10,680
Has the shortlist in his hands right now.
'It only has two names on it.'

1471
01:24:10,800 --> 01:24:14,680
Mine and Julian's. I've never seen
this list, I never knew this.

1472
01:24:14,800 --> 01:24:16,720
Was there a question?

1473
01:24:16,840 --> 01:24:19,960
'My name, it might be on that list,
but I... I never applied for that room.'

1474
01:24:20,080 --> 01:24:24,280
I go on. Even though the QC is intimating
he doesn't need me to, I speak over him.

1475
01:24:24,400 --> 01:24:26,800
'I never applied for that room.

1476
01:24:26,920 --> 01:24:29,520
'I never saw any reason
to have such a large room

1477
01:24:29,640 --> 01:24:33,960
'when my old room, it had more space in it
than I've ever had in my entire life.'

1478
01:24:34,080 --> 01:24:37,920
I notice the tiniest moment
when the QC does a mental shift.

1479
01:24:38,040 --> 01:24:41,080
He assumed, as a successful barrister,

1480
01:24:41,200 --> 01:24:45,080
that I wanted the larger room,
the more prestigious chambers at any cost.

1481
01:24:45,200 --> 01:24:49,240
Jury members shift in their seats.
They understand.

1482
01:24:49,360 --> 01:24:52,360
'Don't ever trust
your own instincts, sir,' I want to say.

1483
01:24:52,480 --> 01:24:55,880
'Day one law school.
Only trust your legal instincts.'

1484
01:24:56,000 --> 01:24:59,000
He computes. His voice almost a snarl.

1485
01:24:59,120 --> 01:25:03,600
'But I see you're enjoying that room now,
aren't you, Ms Ensler?' No time to answer.

1486
01:25:03,720 --> 01:25:07,000
The next question comes fast
to cover up for what he didn't see coming.

1487
01:25:07,120 --> 01:25:09,800
He implies that I made up
the story of rape

1488
01:25:09,920 --> 01:25:13,320
as payback to Julian
for telling his friends and colleagues

1489
01:25:13,440 --> 01:25:17,600
about me having sex with him
on his sofa at chambers. Slap!

1490
01:25:17,720 --> 01:25:21,480
This is news to me!
This is what Julian was telling people

1491
01:25:21,600 --> 01:25:24,840
while I was talking to Mia
about a potential relationship?

1492
01:25:24,960 --> 01:25:29,720
I fade just a little. I catch my breath.
I find my way.

1493
01:25:29,840 --> 01:25:33,800
My body has been turned inside out
by the evidence I have had to give,

1494
01:25:33,920 --> 01:25:37,120
that this final humiliation,
it is just a small cut.

1495
01:25:37,240 --> 01:25:40,000
'I can honestly tell you, sir,
that I had no idea

1496
01:25:40,120 --> 01:25:42,040
'Julian had spoken to anyone
about me like that.'

1497
01:25:42,160 --> 01:25:43,760
He does an about turn.

1498
01:25:43,880 --> 01:25:46,960
Did I admit that my new room
in my new chambers

1499
01:25:47,080 --> 01:25:49,600
was a strategic move
for me to increase my income?

1500
01:25:49,720 --> 01:25:54,120
I tell him I was offered this new room
with a QC I admire. And he cuts me off.

1501
01:25:54,240 --> 01:25:57,360
Implies I made up a rape story
to discredit Julian

1502
01:25:57,480 --> 01:25:59,280
and be the one offered the new tenancy.

1503
01:25:59,400 --> 01:26:03,520
I interrupt. 'I moved chambers to get away
from Julian, to work without fear.

1504
01:26:03,640 --> 01:26:06,160
'Do not forget
I made my statement to the police

1505
01:26:06,280 --> 01:26:09,120
'on the very night of the sexual assault,
hours after it occurred.'

1506
01:26:09,240 --> 01:26:11,760
'This is not relevant to my question,
Ms Ensler,

1507
01:26:11,880 --> 01:26:14,040
'please refrain from elaboration.'

1508
01:26:14,160 --> 01:26:17,400
Richard is up, 'Let her finish.'
Judge lets me.

1509
01:26:17,520 --> 01:26:21,640
'I don't know any woman who would happily
drink with a man, eat a meal,

1510
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:25,920
'with all witnesses saying how much we
talked together, laughed and got along...'

1511
01:26:26,040 --> 01:26:28,880
'I submit, Your Honour.'
'Submission sustained.'

1512
01:26:29,000 --> 01:26:30,440
'Would Your Honour
please remind the witness

1513
01:26:30,560 --> 01:26:32,520
'to answer the question
and not make speeches.'

1514
01:26:32,640 --> 01:26:35,280
'If you are implying
that I planned the entire night

1515
01:26:35,400 --> 01:26:38,120
'to stage something like this,
I have no words.

1516
01:26:38,240 --> 01:26:41,160
'The last 782 days of my life

1517
01:26:41,280 --> 01:26:44,440
'have been something I would never
wish upon any human being.'

1518
01:26:44,560 --> 01:26:45,920
'Your Honour!'
'Ms Ensler.'

1519
01:26:46,040 --> 01:26:50,520
'For you to stand there and suggest to me
that I am in any way holding a vendetta

1520
01:26:50,640 --> 01:26:52,960
'against Mr Brookes is
to suggest to me...'

1521
01:26:53,080 --> 01:26:55,840
'Your Honour, the witness is not...'
I keep talking.

1522
01:26:55,960 --> 01:27:00,360
'Mr Julian Brookes' QC here
will at some stage tell you the jury

1523
01:27:00,480 --> 01:27:05,360
'what Mr Brookes might have lost,
but I will tell you what I have lost.

1524
01:27:07,480 --> 01:27:09,720
'I have lost my dignity. I...

1525
01:27:09,840 --> 01:27:11,720
'I have lost my sense of self.

1526
01:27:11,840 --> 01:27:16,600
'I have lost my career path,
friends, peace of mind, safety,

1527
01:27:16,720 --> 01:27:20,400
'sense of joy in my sexuality.

1528
01:27:21,400 --> 01:27:24,880
'But most of all, I have lost
my faith in this, the law,

1529
01:27:25,000 --> 01:27:27,400
'the system I believed would protect me.

1530
01:27:27,520 --> 01:27:29,960
'It was the system
I dedicated my life to.'

1531
01:27:30,080 --> 01:27:34,120
Julian's QC is calling out,
asking for an intervention from the judge.

1532
01:27:34,240 --> 01:27:38,800
But after 782 days, all ten tracks
in my brain are lighting up.

1533
01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,600
I have found my voice.

1534
01:27:40,720 --> 01:27:43,320
It's different, but it is mine.
I keep speaking.

1535
01:27:43,440 --> 01:27:46,000
I hear 'submission' over and over.

1536
01:27:46,120 --> 01:27:49,720
'Your Honour. Your Honour.' Loud,
outraged, trying to drown out my voice.

1537
01:27:49,840 --> 01:27:51,520
I do not waver.

1538
01:27:51,640 --> 01:27:55,000
The judge asks me to please
just answer the question.

1539
01:27:56,920 --> 01:27:58,800
I'm calm.

1540
01:27:58,920 --> 01:28:02,000
'Your Honour, there are some things
I am going to say.'

1541
01:28:02,120 --> 01:28:03,880
Confident. Like a lawyer.

1542
01:28:04,000 --> 01:28:07,880
Julian's QC is on his feet.
Requesting a 'voir dire'.

1543
01:28:08,000 --> 01:28:11,720
The judge nods.
The jury start to file out.

1544
01:28:11,840 --> 01:28:15,960
A 'voir dire' is a legal term,
where the jury are sent out

1545
01:28:16,080 --> 01:28:19,160
so they don't hear something
that might be prejudicial.

1546
01:28:19,280 --> 01:28:24,440
Strangely, the phrase originates
from 'to speak the truth'.

1547
01:28:25,400 --> 01:28:27,880
The last juror looks at me as he exits.

1548
01:28:28,000 --> 01:28:30,160
The media are poised.
Judge.

1549
01:28:30,280 --> 01:28:35,600
'You have very little scope here,
Ms Ensler. Please be concise.'

1550
01:28:36,720 --> 01:28:38,960
I breathe slowly.

1551
01:28:40,240 --> 01:28:41,920
In.

1552
01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:46,000
Out.

1553
01:28:47,600 --> 01:28:50,760
I find the face
of the young police officer.

1554
01:28:51,960 --> 01:28:54,560
Her hand is over my mum's hand.

1555
01:28:57,360 --> 01:29:02,840
I see all the women who came before me

1556
01:29:02,960 --> 01:29:05,240
and all of those who will come after.

1557
01:29:05,360 --> 01:29:07,600
I see Jenna.

1558
01:29:08,800 --> 01:29:10,800
'I am not getting anything out of this.

1559
01:29:10,920 --> 01:29:13,960
'I am just doing this
to protect other women.'

1560
01:29:14,920 --> 01:29:18,680
I look up at Julian's boys in the gallery.

1561
01:29:19,600 --> 01:29:22,920
'Your Honour,
I am here in a unique position.

1562
01:29:23,040 --> 01:29:25,360
'Usually, I stand at the bar,

1563
01:29:25,480 --> 01:29:29,560
'but now I am in this courtroom
as a witness, a complainant, a victim.

1564
01:29:29,680 --> 01:29:33,480
'As a barrister, I have questioned women
in sexual assault cases

1565
01:29:33,600 --> 01:29:38,560
'on the assumption that evidence can be
delivered in a clean, logical package,

1566
01:29:38,680 --> 01:29:43,120
'and now I have seen from my own
attempts here that it cannot be.

1567
01:29:43,240 --> 01:29:45,960
'In all of my professional life,

1568
01:29:46,080 --> 01:29:49,640
'I have participated in a system
that has done this to women,

1569
01:29:49,760 --> 01:29:52,040
'and now I know it is not right.

1570
01:29:52,160 --> 01:29:55,640
'It is not reasonable, because now I know,

1571
01:29:55,760 --> 01:29:58,920
'from my own life,
both as a woman and a lawyer,

1572
01:29:59,040 --> 01:30:01,440
'that the lived experience
of sexual assault,

1573
01:30:01,560 --> 01:30:05,480
'it is not remembered in a neat,
consistent, scientific parcel.

1574
01:30:05,600 --> 01:30:08,920
'And it's because of that, the law often
finds evidence "unbelievable".

1575
01:30:09,040 --> 01:30:12,600
'So, I understand a witness
can be mistaken in their evidence.

1576
01:30:12,720 --> 01:30:15,960
'I have suggested it time and time again.

1577
01:30:16,080 --> 01:30:20,160
'But this is not a car accident,
or a home invasion.

1578
01:30:20,280 --> 01:30:21,960
'This is rape.

1579
01:30:22,080 --> 01:30:25,080
'It's a crime against the person
and now I know.

1580
01:30:25,200 --> 01:30:29,240
'You know, when a woman says "no",
when her actions say "no",

1581
01:30:29,360 --> 01:30:32,040
'it is not a subtle,
unreadable thing at all.

1582
01:30:32,160 --> 01:30:35,200
'Yet before this, I too,
I would suggest that she was mistaken.

1583
01:30:35,320 --> 01:30:42,080
'But when a woman has been violated,
it is a corrosive wound.

1584
01:30:42,200 --> 01:30:47,000
'It is one that starts with terror
and pain deep into the body.

1585
01:30:47,120 --> 01:30:50,560
'It then overtakes the mind, the soul.

1586
01:30:50,680 --> 01:30:53,920
'Yet before this, I too,
I would suggest that "she was confused".

1587
01:30:54,040 --> 01:30:57,400
'I mean, the message is,
if we do not deliver our evidence neatly

1588
01:30:57,520 --> 01:31:01,600
'in a clear linear story, with consistency
in recall, then we are lying.

1589
01:31:01,720 --> 01:31:05,560
'Yet before this, I would point out
inconsistencies as proof of doubt.

1590
01:31:05,680 --> 01:31:08,840
'I would tell the jury
they couldn't possibly be sure.

1591
01:31:08,960 --> 01:31:10,920
'As a lawyer I know, I know,

1592
01:31:11,040 --> 01:31:15,960
'the law, it cannot jettison consistency
entirely, but in sexual assault cases,

1593
01:31:16,080 --> 01:31:19,600
'can we keep using it
as the litmus test of credibility?

1594
01:31:19,720 --> 01:31:24,000
'Because, as a victim, let me tell you

1595
01:31:24,120 --> 01:31:28,560
'the rape and the perpetrator,
they are vividly recalled.

1596
01:31:28,680 --> 01:31:31,880
'The peripheral details, not so clearly.

1597
01:31:32,000 --> 01:31:35,520
'If a woman is rattled by having to relive
the nightmare in court,

1598
01:31:35,640 --> 01:31:39,760
'if a woman's experience of rape
is not as the court likes it to be,

1599
01:31:39,880 --> 01:31:42,840
'then we conclude
that she is prone to exaggeration

1600
01:31:42,960 --> 01:31:46,400
'and it's because of this
she is so often disbelieved.

1601
01:31:46,520 --> 01:31:49,360
'So here in court, I want to call it out.'

1602
01:31:49,480 --> 01:31:51,800
There is a flurry
from the courtroom gallery.

1603
01:31:51,920 --> 01:31:56,440
'The law of sexual assault,
it spins on the wrong axis.

1604
01:31:56,560 --> 01:31:59,160
'A woman's experience of sexual assault,

1605
01:31:59,280 --> 01:32:02,400
'it does not fit
the male-defined system of truth.

1606
01:32:02,520 --> 01:32:07,080
'So... So it cannot be truth,
and therefore, there cannot be justice.

1607
01:32:07,200 --> 01:32:12,080
'The law has been shaped by generations
and generations of men.'

1608
01:32:12,200 --> 01:32:16,080
I can see Julian's QC on his feet,
but I can't hear him any more.

1609
01:32:16,200 --> 01:32:18,440
'There was a time, not so long ago,

1610
01:32:18,560 --> 01:32:24,760
'when courts like this did not see
non-consensual sex in marriage as rape,

1611
01:32:24,880 --> 01:32:28,080
'did not see that battered women,

1612
01:32:28,200 --> 01:32:32,680
'they fight back in a manner distinct
from the way that men fight.

1613
01:32:32,800 --> 01:32:36,160
'Yet once we see,
I mean, we cannot unsee, can we?

1614
01:32:36,280 --> 01:32:39,560
'Now I see from my own experience

1615
01:32:39,680 --> 01:32:43,200
'that we have got it all wrong
when it comes to sexual assault.

1616
01:32:43,320 --> 01:32:45,400
'We don't interrogate
the law's own assumptions,

1617
01:32:45,520 --> 01:32:48,560
'instead we persist
on interrogating the victims.

1618
01:32:49,840 --> 01:32:53,680
'The law is an organic thing.
It is defined by us.

1619
01:32:53,800 --> 01:32:58,160
'It is constructed by us,
in light of our experiences.

1620
01:32:58,280 --> 01:33:01,440
'All of ours,
so there are no excuses any more.

1621
01:33:01,560 --> 01:33:07,240
'It must change because the truth is that
one in three women are sexually assaulted

1622
01:33:07,360 --> 01:33:10,960
'and their voices, they need to be heard,
they need to be believed

1623
01:33:11,080 --> 01:33:13,040
'in order for justice to be done.'

1624
01:33:13,160 --> 01:33:16,920
I can see Julian's QC on his feet again.
I hear the judge.

1625
01:33:17,040 --> 01:33:20,440
I have gone beyond
what I am allowed to say, well beyond.

1626
01:33:35,560 --> 01:33:37,760
'One in three women.

1627
01:33:42,160 --> 01:33:43,880
'Look to your left.

1628
01:33:45,560 --> 01:33:47,360
'Look to your right.

1629
01:33:49,960 --> 01:33:51,920
'It's one of us.'

1630
01:33:54,320 --> 01:33:56,880
I feel my cheeks hot, hot.

1631
01:33:57,000 --> 01:33:59,280
Hot. I am done. I'm done.

1632
01:33:59,400 --> 01:34:01,400
I am so done.

1633
01:34:01,520 --> 01:34:03,880
I see my mum. [CHUCKLES FONDLY]

1634
01:34:04,000 --> 01:34:05,840
Richard.

1635
01:34:05,960 --> 01:34:08,920
The QC and Julian.

1636
01:34:10,640 --> 01:34:13,080
I feel a wave of sadness.

1637
01:34:14,000 --> 01:34:16,760
Not despair, just pure sadness.

1638
01:34:18,120 --> 01:34:21,400
I know the jury,
they won't find Julian guilty.

1639
01:34:24,960 --> 01:34:27,440
But a weight has been lifted.

1640
01:34:28,480 --> 01:34:31,040
I see three journalists writing madly,

1641
01:34:31,160 --> 01:34:34,400
courtroom artist staring at me
as he takes notes.

1642
01:34:34,520 --> 01:34:38,080
The judge tells me not to speak
unless I am asked a question.

1643
01:34:38,200 --> 01:34:42,320
He's calling the jury back in.
Voir dire over.

1644
01:34:46,000 --> 01:34:48,120
I hold my head up.

1645
01:34:49,640 --> 01:34:52,640
I see Adam at the back of the courtroom,
he nods.

1646
01:34:54,240 --> 01:34:57,400
I find the open face
of the young police officer.

1647
01:34:58,320 --> 01:35:01,800
This young woman
in a uniform usually worn by men.

1648
01:35:01,920 --> 01:35:04,480
She locks eyes with me...

1649
01:35:07,440 --> 01:35:11,440
..and in this brightly lit,
suffocating courtroom,

1650
01:35:11,560 --> 01:35:17,720
standing here in front of everyone,
while my mum clutches her straw bag,

1651
01:35:17,840 --> 01:35:20,280
right here, right now,

1652
01:35:20,400 --> 01:35:24,200
meeting the eyes
of that one young woman...

1653
01:35:26,480 --> 01:35:28,760
..it makes me feel...

1654
01:35:32,320 --> 01:35:34,440
..something good.

1655
01:35:34,560 --> 01:35:37,120
[♪ LOW, SOMBRE TONES]

1656
01:35:44,680 --> 01:35:47,720
I've been a defence barrister long enough.

1657
01:35:48,680 --> 01:35:54,440
You know when the jury comes back quickly
that someone is 'not guilty'.

1658
01:35:57,120 --> 01:36:00,240
The defence team
are shaking Julian's hand.

1659
01:36:00,360 --> 01:36:02,720
Julian is thrilled.

1660
01:36:05,600 --> 01:36:11,240
The roar from his boys in the gallery
is loud and there is clapping.

1661
01:36:14,120 --> 01:36:17,000
Richard is saying something to me but I...

1662
01:36:17,120 --> 01:36:20,600
I can't hear or I... I can't compute.

1663
01:36:22,040 --> 01:36:25,480
The young police officer
has materialised beside me.

1664
01:36:26,400 --> 01:36:28,840
She puts her hand on my shoulder.

1665
01:36:29,760 --> 01:36:32,680
I know I have to stand, but I don't.

1666
01:36:34,240 --> 01:36:38,680
The jury file out –
not one of them can meet my eye.

1667
01:36:39,560 --> 01:36:41,920
All of this and they...

1668
01:36:43,720 --> 01:36:45,600
They didn't believe me.

1669
01:36:45,720 --> 01:36:48,240
The legal system,
it made me look like a liar.

1670
01:36:48,360 --> 01:36:50,720
Julian, he will never have to say sorry,

1671
01:36:50,840 --> 01:36:53,600
never have to admit what he did,
never have...

1672
01:36:55,480 --> 01:36:58,280
The legal system,
it feels faulty and mixed up.

1673
01:36:58,400 --> 01:37:01,800
The legal system, it feels broken.

1674
01:37:05,320 --> 01:37:07,240
Look to your left.

1675
01:37:09,760 --> 01:37:11,760
Look to your right.

1676
01:37:13,080 --> 01:37:15,200
I am broken, too.

1677
01:37:16,680 --> 01:37:19,480
But I am still here.

1678
01:37:19,600 --> 01:37:22,040
And I will not be silenced.

1679
01:37:23,560 --> 01:37:25,400
Richard is beckoning to my mum.

1680
01:37:25,520 --> 01:37:28,760
She gathers her straw bag,
stands, comes over to us.

1681
01:37:28,880 --> 01:37:30,720
[MIMICS] 'Come on, love.'

1682
01:37:32,640 --> 01:37:36,840
I don't know what to cling to,
how to stand,

1683
01:37:36,960 --> 01:37:41,200
how to walk out of this courtroom,
how to leave this building.

1684
01:37:41,320 --> 01:37:45,040
All that I know is that...

1685
01:37:45,160 --> 01:37:47,280
somewhere,

1686
01:37:47,400 --> 01:37:49,920
some time,

1687
01:37:50,040 --> 01:37:52,040
somehow...

1688
01:37:55,520 --> 01:37:58,280
..something has to change.

1689
01:38:26,920 --> 01:38:32,080
♪ No, not me

1690
01:38:34,800 --> 01:38:42,000
♪ I won't rein in

1691
01:38:43,680 --> 01:38:52,320
♪ My need to be

1692
01:38:52,440 --> 01:39:01,360
♪ Completely

1693
01:39:01,480 --> 01:39:27,240
♪ Free ♪

1694
01:39:28,840 --> 01:39:31,720
(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)

1695
01:39:36,880 --> 01:39:39,120
(WHISTLES, CHEERS)

1696
01:39:59,560 --> 01:40:01,800
(HUGE CHEER)

1697
01:40:04,200 --> 01:40:07,720
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